I want to share some thoughts with you today about truth, truth telling, lies, and trust. I believe it is very basic to competent functioning in business, in social relationships, in families-- and in every other relationship in which we find ourselves.
Famous people have said interesting things about the subject. Here are some samples:
Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. Henry David Thoreau
This above all, to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. William Shakespeare
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children. Oliver Wendell Holmes
To be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved. George Macdonald
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. Winston Churchill
A lie has journeyed half way around the world, before truth has put its pants on. Winston Churchill
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain
Truth is not only violated by falsehood. It may be outraged by silence. Henri-Frederic Amiel
Lying is an unavoidable part of human nature. Source unknown
So, how does all this work for you or me in everyday life?
What is a lie anyway? One definition suggests it is a statement which is untrue and which is designed to deceive, avoid punishment, or protect someone's feelings. There are many kinds of lies. A bold-faced lie is a statement that obviously is untrue. Everyone knows it. A white lie, on the otherhand, is a small lie that many feel is justified by circumstances and is harmless. Perjury is a lie in a legal context when a person is under oath to speak the truth. This kind of lying is generally considered very serious. Lies to children are quite acceptable. These have to do with storks, Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, and so on. Lies can also be statements we simply omit to make. They are kind of half truths (or half lies). What we say is not untrue but there is more to the story than we wish to reveal. This too is deception. Other synonyms for lying include "bluffing", "misleading", and "exagerrating". In times of war lying is common. Machiavelli advised the Prince, "Never attempt to win by force what can be won by fraud!"
For our purposes here, I want to raise two issues about lies and truth telling.
The first has to do with lying and trust. Trust is a foundation for good relationships. Lying breaks trust. If I am not sure your word is good, or if what you say can be relied upon, I will hold you at a distance. I will evaluate carefully. I may take you seriously, or I may not. I will never be quite sure how to regard what you say to me. It used to be that a man's word was all that was needed to seal a deal. Years ago I once borrowed over $100,000 from a friend to build a house. We just shook hands. Yes, I paid it back; with interest even. Lawyers today would say that was really foolish and very risky. Our society is about protecting ourselves from unscrupulous and lying people. I really was struck by Macdonald's statement above that to be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved. Do people trust me? Do they trust you? Building and maintaining trust is a huge issue in life and tragic is the situation where trust does not exist or where it has been broken by a lie.
The second concept about lying I wish to raise concerns the matter of withholding truth. How much ought we to say to people? In medicine for example, should a physician tell all to a patient diagnosed with fatal cancer or Alzheimer's disease? In a survey taken in 1961, only 10% of medical doctors agreed that a patient should be told the details of a fatal disease. By 1979 the number jumped dramatically to 97%. Surveys and studies have shown that persons facing a life ending prognosis prefer to be told the truth about their condition. Shakespeare wrote that the miserable have no other medicine; but only hope! How does one balance telling the truth with offering hope? It is a difficult challenge.
I see this dilemma manifesting itself in other ways in society. We are very careful not to judge others (at least not to their faces- to others we condemn and judge all the time). Destructive life styles and practices, bad eating patterns, habits, etc., go unchallenged for fear of offending or hurting others. It is a little like the story of two fishermen fishing from their boat near a bridge. As they sat for hours (the fish were not biting evidently just as happens when I fish), they noticed that pieces were breaking loose from the bridge as vehicles rumbled over it. Whenever a large truck crossed the bridge, even larger pieces fell into the river below. One day an entire span fell to the water. One fisherman said to the other, "What should we do?" The other replied, "Lets build a hospital!" Would not running to the road, waving the arms and issuing a warning to motorists have been more appropriate? I think so.
What I am touching on here is really an aspect of accountability. It is about being our brother's keepers. The more men and women rise in their careers, the less likely it is that they will have people in their circle who will tell them the truth. I am someone who has been there and I am convinced I know what I am writing about. I would urge you to find a peer you can trust, and begin slowly to "let your hair down" about your life, your thoughts, your goals, your concerns, your fears, your temptations, your failures, and so on. This is risky and dangerous business. Not doing so could be more dangerous and riskier still! Look carefully before you confide in someone. But when you do you will be tremendously rewarded. My guess is that when you find the courage to broach this subject with someone, that person will say that he or she too, has been hoping to find someone to relate to on this level. You will not feel so alone anymore. You will know there is someone whom you can call for advice or encouragement and counsel.
Want to talk about it? Need help in finding a person to develop accountability? Want to discuss your fears about doing so? I would be delighted to hear from you. I can be reached by email at rick@icarecoaching.com or you can use the contact part of my website.
Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright, November, 2008
