It's not WHAT you know it is WHO you know!
You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!
All these familiar sayings talk about the need we as humans have to be in relationship or community with one another. Here are a few lighthearted statements about relationships that may bring a smile to your face.
The comedian Rodney Dangerfield known as the guy who "can't get no respect!" said, "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous-- everyone has not met me yet!"
An adaptation of the Serenity Prayer: --- God grant me the senility to forget the people I never like anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
This one may have a lot of truth to it:--- The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue!
DEFINING RELATIONSHIP
So what is a relationship anyway? Some synonyms that come to mind are association, affiliation, connecting, friendship, interaction, and community. Relationships have many levels. This past week I went to the post office to mail some things. While standing in line for perhaps at most 10 minutes I learned a great deal from the man standing immediately behind me. In those few minutes I learned about the places he has lived, his church affiliation, his family issues, his environmental concerns, and his short term travel plans. Did we have a relationship? Well sort of! We connected at some level. Virtual communities on the internet claim to have great relationships while they maintain anonymity with each other. I can really not grasp that concept but it appears to be true.
BASIC INGREDIENTS IN A RELATIONSHIP
One of the things relationships do is build trust. Trust is a fundamental concept to building an enduring relationship. The most profound trust exists in a marriage relationship and when that trust is destroyed a marriage relationship is sorely tested. To a lesser degree however, trust needs to be part of even more casual relationship too. For example, if someone you know recommends a certain type of car, it has greater impact than if a car salesman recommends a certain type of car. You are not sure whether you can trust the salesman. You do not know him or her and you assume they have an ulterior motive--- to sell you a car. Simply put, you have little or no trust in the salesman. If someone you know recommends a car however, you tend to take his or her word for it. You trust their judgment, you have learned (hopefully) that what they say can be trusted. If not, you do not have much of a relationship.
It is the same way when seeking to find a new position. A good recommendation from a trusted friend is infinitely better than dozens of generic references from total strangers. That is why we say it is not so much what you know as who you know that counts!
RELATIONSHIP DESTROYERS
Relationships can be fragile! In my view the greatest threat to a relationship is CONTEMPT! Contempt at its root is the idea that I am somewhat better than you are. It is incredibly prevalent and we are often not really aware that we feel contempt towards another. Here are a few examples:
-Do you remember the last time you stood in a check out line at the grocery store? Let us say that the person ahead of you was grossly overweight. Did you find yourself looking at this person's grocery selections? Did you find yourself thinking smugly to yourself--- No wonder! Just look at what he or she is buying! I know better than to buy all those unhealthy products! This is contempt!
-Pretend you are still at the check out counter. You are in a hurry and have only 2 or 3 items to purchase. The person ahead of you fills the check out conveyor belt. Finally, all the items are processed and it is your turn. -- No, it is not. The person ahead of you now fumbles through her purse looking for her check book or credit card. Then her cell phone rings and she answers it. What are you thinking by now? That is contempt! You are thinking to yourself--- Why is she not better organized? Could she not have anticipated that she would need to pay for her groceries? Why did she have to answer that phone when I am waiting? This too is contempt!
-Imagine that you hear the news that a neighbor lost his job. What are you thinking? Perhaps you think to yourself--- No wonder! How can someone who is habitually tardy or absent from a job expect to keep it for long. I know that. I am not surprised! I show up for work on time. I am better than he. This is contempt!
-Think about your driving habits. When the motorist in front of you changes lanes abruptly without signaling their intentions, what are you thinking? Yes, of course,-- this is also contempt!
At a conference for therapists I heard the statement that over 90% of all marriages will fail when one spouse feels contempt for the other. The presence of contempt is THE single most destructive agent in relationships.
A great way to live is to become aware of our tendency to be contemptuous. The Bible admonishes us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think and further states that we should do some sober appraising of how we view ourselves.
We often glibly quote the axiom-- "There but for the grace of God go I! I suspect that we do not always really believe that. A more accurate version might be---"How could he be so stupid! Surely I would never do that!"
HOW AM I IN RELATIONSHIPS?
I am am convinced that this axiom in fact is very true. We need to realize that given the right circumstances we too are capable of making the most stupid decisions possible. Until we truly believe that, we are vulnerable to fall big time. I challenge you to think very carefully about this idea. Until you truly acknowledge your own weaknesses and tendencies to make crazy choices, you are a contemptuous person.
Want to enjoy strong and happy relationships? Make sure you never show contempt for another person. If you do, that person will sense it. He will not trust you. She will not confide in you. The other person will say what he or she thinks you want to hear. Integrity and transparency will have left the relationship.
Want to talk more about relationships? Contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com I would love to hear from you.
Rick Penner
