Got worries? Anxious about anything?

Is the sky blue? ----- Of course we worry!

In recent months there has been great cause for worry. Pensions are shrinking. Jobs are disappearing. Real estate values are declining. The problem is not isolated; it exists in most of the economically developed world today.

So what is a person to do about worry, anxiety, stress and uncertainty? Somehow a flippant, "Don't worry, it will all work out!" just does not seem to cut it.


Let me offer some suggestions that work for me. First, let's define worry. The dictionary says worry is an emotion of concern or anxiety about a real or perceived issue. It can be personal and involve health, finances, job situations, relationships, change and so on. It can also be corporate and involve the fear of wars, collapsed economies, or environmental threats.


We need to bear in mind that some worry is positive and good. Worry can help us avoid risky behaviour. A fear of developing lung cancer can help a person stop or never start smoking cigarettes. Worry also forces people to take precautions. Buying life insurance or properly insuring one's possessions is a good by-product of worry about loss of life or property.

Worry is a problem when it becomes chronic or toxic. It is believed that one in four persons have chronic kinds of worry issues. This type of worry can lead to physical ailments like ulcers, high blood pressure, asthma, and skin disorders. It can also result in a host of emotional and psychological or behavioral problems like excessive drinking, withdrawal and depression.

Here are some light-hearted as well as more thoughtful ideas on worry by a variety of people in the past:

"I’ve seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true."
Mark Twain

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
William R. Inge

"What were you worried about this time last year?
Can't remember?"

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
Charles Schultz

Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.

Do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.
Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,
yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.
But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you?
You of little faith! -- Jesus

Consider the following recommendations to minimize debilitating worry.

1. Make a plan. You cannot wring your hands and roll up your sleeves simultaneously. Talk to people. Research things on the internet. When everything looks hopeless it is great to take pen and paper (or PDA) and begin to list steps and solutions. They do exist. Just last week I met with a man who saw no way out of a financial crisis because his job was terminated. After some discussion he discovered four possible steps he could take that would help him. Even I was surprised. I once worked with a man who had terrible personal debt. He was already elderly so his earning days were short. By following a carefully worked out plan he was debt free in 3 years. It was painful at times but it was incredibly rewarding and freeing for him as well as for his family. I recall very clearly the day he reported to me that his debts had vanished. He was ecstatic. His life was hopeless and self defeating until he developed a plan. Someone once said that action is worry's worst enemy!



2. Do the obvious. Eating properly, getting sleep, and exercising, are all very important to maintain a proper perspective about life.

3. Maintain contact with other people. It is easy to withdraw and become reclusive. Do not do that. Human contact is tremendously therapeutic. A pat on the back, or better yet, a hug is very important. Never worry alone. Talk things over with others. Men especially, have a tendency to "Zip up" and not admit their fears and worries. You will be surprised how helpful it is to verbalize your fears to someone else. My elderly friend who got out of debt with a plan, would not have succeeded without the help of caring friends. His situation was so serious that he agreed to have a friend co sign every check he ever wrote just to make sure he would not become irresponsible in spending money. This is an extreme example but in this instance the situation was serious.


4. Get the facts. A lot of worry is imagined. Much of what we worry about never happens. The storms are not nearly as bad as we expect. I have found it quite informative to study the history of prior economic downturns, recessions, and depressions. We all know about the crash of 1929. Learn about earlier banking crises in 1893 for example. How were they resolved? Learning the history of modern banking is fascinating and provides perspective.

5. Change the scenery. Sometimes dropping everything and playing a round of golf, taking a walk, splitting wood, or jogging, can clear the mind and bring things into perspective and focus.

6. Help someone else. I can assure you that it is always possible to find someone in as bad or worse conditions than the ones you live in. There are people around who deeply and genuinely hurt. Buy them a lunch or take them some groceries. Share an activity with them. Your worries will diminish.

7. Get perspective. Resign as general manager of the universe! Take care of the things you must take care of and let others take care of the rest. I like the Serenity Prayer used in 12 step groups for this reason.

8. Consider a spirtual dimension to your life. Consider the words of Jesus I quoted above. This approach to life was helpful to Henry Ford who said, "I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about?"

It is not my intent to trivialize very serious concerns and fears that you may have. You may wish to see a physician if you are experiencing physical ailments or difficulties. Please do so! For many people, worry is not destroying health but it is robbing them of enjoying life.

Want to talk more? I would love to hear from you. I can be reached by email at rick@icarecoaching.com or you can use the contact part of my website.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright, December, 2008

Liar, Liar pants on fire!!!

Just where this line (the rest of it continues, "hang them up on telephone wires") comes from is not known. Most probably some parent used the line to impress on a youngster the importance of telling the truth! Gordon Korman subsequently wrote a children's book using the lines for his title.

I want to share some thoughts with you today about truth, truth telling, lies, and trust. I believe it is very basic to competent functioning in business, in social relationships, in families-- and in every other relationship in which we find ourselves.

Famous people have said interesting things about the subject. Here are some samples:

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. Henry David Thoreau

This above all, to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. William Shakespeare

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children. Oliver Wendell Holmes

To be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved. George Macdonald

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. Winston Churchill

A lie has journeyed half way around the world, before truth has put its pants on. Winston Churchill

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain

Truth is not only violated by falsehood. It may be outraged by silence. Henri-Frederic Amiel

Lying is an unavoidable part of human nature. Source unknown


So, how does all this work for you or me in everyday life?

What is a lie anyway? One definition suggests it is a statement which is untrue and which is designed to deceive, avoid punishment, or protect someone's feelings. There are many kinds of lies. A bold-faced lie is a statement that obviously is untrue. Everyone knows it. A white lie, on the otherhand, is a small lie that many feel is justified by circumstances and is harmless. Perjury is a lie in a legal context when a person is under oath to speak the truth. This kind of lying is generally considered very serious. Lies to children are quite acceptable. These have to do with storks, Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, and so on. Lies can also be statements we simply omit to make. They are kind of half truths (or half lies). What we say is not untrue but there is more to the story than we wish to reveal. This too is deception. Other synonyms for lying include "bluffing", "misleading", and "exagerrating". In times of war lying is common. Machiavelli advised the Prince, "Never attempt to win by force what can be won by fraud!"

For our purposes here, I want to raise two issues about lies and truth telling.


The first has to do with lying and trust. Trust is a foundation for good relationships. Lying breaks trust. If I am not sure your word is good, or if what you say can be relied upon, I will hold you at a distance. I will evaluate carefully. I may take you seriously, or I may not. I will never be quite sure how to regard what you say to me. It used to be that a man's word was all that was needed to seal a deal. Years ago I once borrowed over $100,000 from a friend to build a house. We just shook hands. Yes, I paid it back; with interest even. Lawyers today would say that was really foolish and very risky. Our society is about protecting ourselves from unscrupulous and lying people. I really was struck by Macdonald's statement above that to be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved. Do people trust me? Do they trust you? Building and maintaining trust is a huge issue in life and tragic is the situation where trust does not exist or where it has been broken by a lie.


The second concept about lying I wish to raise concerns the matter of withholding truth. How much ought we to say to people? In medicine for example, should a physician tell all to a patient diagnosed with fatal cancer or Alzheimer's disease? In a survey taken in 1961, only 10% of medical doctors agreed that a patient should be told the details of a fatal disease. By 1979 the number jumped dramatically to 97%. Surveys and studies have shown that persons facing a life ending prognosis prefer to be told the truth about their condition. Shakespeare wrote that the miserable have no other medicine; but only hope! How does one balance telling the truth with offering hope? It is a difficult challenge.

I see this dilemma manifesting itself in other ways in society. We are very careful not to judge others (at least not to their faces- to others we condemn and judge all the time). Destructive life styles and practices, bad eating patterns, habits, etc., go unchallenged for fear of offending or hurting others. It is a little like the story of two fishermen fishing from their boat near a bridge. As they sat for hours (the fish were not biting evidently just as happens when I fish), they noticed that pieces were breaking loose from the bridge as vehicles rumbled over it. Whenever a large truck crossed the bridge, even larger pieces fell into the river below. One day an entire span fell to the water. One fisherman said to the other, "What should we do?" The other replied, "Lets build a hospital!" Would not running to the road, waving the arms and issuing a warning to motorists have been more appropriate? I think so.


What I am touching on here is really an aspect of accountability. It is about being our brother's keepers. The more men and women rise in their careers, the less likely it is that they will have people in their circle who will tell them the truth. I am someone who has been there and I am convinced I know what I am writing about. I would urge you to find a peer you can trust, and begin slowly to "let your hair down" about your life, your thoughts, your goals, your concerns, your fears, your temptations, your failures, and so on. This is risky and dangerous business. Not doing so could be more dangerous and riskier still! Look carefully before you confide in someone. But when you do you will be tremendously rewarded. My guess is that when you find the courage to broach this subject with someone, that person will say that he or she too, has been hoping to find someone to relate to on this level. You will not feel so alone anymore. You will know there is someone whom you can call for advice or encouragement and counsel.

Want to talk about it? Need help in finding a person to develop accountability? Want to discuss your fears about doing so? I would be delighted to hear from you. I can be reached by email at rick@icarecoaching.com or you can use the contact part of my website.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright, November, 2008

WHO YOU ARE IS WHAT THEY GET

Ever feel inadequate or ill-equipped to handle difficult situations? Do you wish you had more training or skills to deal with personnel, with conflict, with strategic planning, or with crises?

We all do at times!

Let me encourage you today and help you see that you probably possess more skills and experience than you may think as you wrestle with the challenges that come along your way each day.

When I was in graduate school years ago I worked with a pastor/therapist friend. He often said to me that I would be capable of working with 60% of his clients even though I was young, relatively untrained, and unsure of myself. His theory was that people whose lives are basically "together" already have a huge advantage over those who do not. Now this is not to disparage professional counselors and therapists. I currently chair the board that oversees a counseling center employing more than a dozen professionally trained therapists. Their training is extremely important and should never be minimized. It is saying however, that we tend to overestimate the place of formal training and downplay what one person can bring to another simply by listening, showing empathy, and on occasion even offering helpful advice.

This is the principle I have in mind today. I conduct seminars for people in Human Resources and care-giving kinds of work. We often tell them that who they are is what people will get. Also, in conflict management seminars I tell people that one of the most important assets a conflict mediator or manager brings to a stressful situation is who he or she really is. I am all for training and for professional development. Take advantage of worthwhile venues to sharpen your skills and enhance your knowledge. But, at the same time, do not sell yourself short. Here are a few basics that can be powerful as we deal with one another.

1. Integrity. Be a straight shooter! What would people say about you in this area? Can your word be trusted? Do you keep confidences? Do you say the same thing from day to day or do your stories change depending on the audience you are speaking to? Are you guided by a core value that values truth? Do people know where you stand on issues?

2. Serenity. Calm in the midst of a storm is powerful. Remember the quaint story about the young boy on a turbulent flight? When asked why he remained so calm when the aircraft he was in, was bouncing and shaking in the unstable air, he simply replied, "My father is the pilot!" In a time of conflict or turbulence your own serenity and calmness can be very powerful in reassuring and comforting others. I have often noticed this when relationships are in turmoil. I find it interesting to observe the correlation between heated arguments and hope for resolutions. Each go in opposite directions. As the decibel levels in an argument go up, common sense and sanity tends to diminish. A calming voice can do wonders at such times. Little wonder that Niebuhr's "Serenity Prayer" has been so powerful among the armed forces, in 12 step groups, and so on.

3. Optimism. People in stressful situations or in conflict soon see their situations as hopeless. If left unchecked they will soon despair and see no possibility for a good resolution. You as a third party or even as one of the "combatants" can have a powerful influence if you bring a positive and optimistic spirit. People gravitate towards those who have a cheery, positive view on life. Persons whose cups are always half empty do not inspire or motivate others well. I am not suggesting you live in a dream world or that we should ignore realities. But, one can always find something good to celebrate. A Holocaust survivor was grateful for lice in the concentration camps because it kept the vicious Nazi guards away from their barracks.


4. Grace. A person who is gracious is a tremendous asset in any relationship. To be gracious is to be pleasant, agreeable, courteous, affable, tactful, cordial,sociable, and warm. The opposite of a gracious person is one who is argumentative, opinionated, stubborn, crude, cold, tactless, mean spirited, and obnoxious. All of these words speak for themselves and each connotes a certain kind of picture in our minds when we hear them.


5. Generosity. A friend of mine used to say that he tried to live life with his hands metaphorically open and facing outward. He maintained that if he turned his hands downward as if to represent hoarding and protection, his assets tended to slip through the fingers. I think he was right. There is something incredibly freeing about giving to others. Not only do we improve the lot of those with whom we share our generosity, we also enhance the quality of our own lives and have the satisfaction of knowing that we have not lived selfishly.

The wisdom literature in the Bible touches on many of these concepts. Here is a sample:

Do not let kindness and truth leave you.... Proverbs 3:3
Hatred stirrs up strife, but love covers all transgressions. Proverbs 10:12
There is one who scatters, yet increases all the more, and there is one who withholds what is justly due, but it results only in want. The generous man will be prosperous. Proverbs 11:24-25.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
A soothing tongue is a tree of life. Proverbs 15:4
A joyful heart makes a cheerful face. Proverbs 15:15
Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. Proverbs 25:11

Do not underestimate yourself! Basic decencies and courtesies and common sense will go a long way in the world in which you live. Be courageous when your instincts tell you it is time to speak up or take action. Trust your intuition more!

Want to chat about this? You can reach me at www.icarecoaching.com. I would be delighted to hear from you. Remember, a life coach does not teach you how to ride a bike but he will run alongside you as you ride yours! I would be honored to run along by your side for a while and perhaps it would help you ride better and faster. Hopefully it will also make the ride more enjoyable!

Dr Rick Penner
Copyright, Oct. 2008

ME, BLIND? I DON'T SEE IT THAT WAY!

What would you think if the product you produce or sell made up 65% of world sales and accounted for over 80% of the profits but in 12 years the same percentages dropped to less than 10% and less than 20% respectively? Impossible you say? No it is not!

This is what happened in the watch making industry. In 1968 Switzerland was synonymous with time keeping. By 1980 this country was “dethroned” because something new had come along --- Seiko!! Switzerland was profoundly competent in the manufacture of gears and mainsprings but almost overnight this became irrelevant because of a new paradigm in the watch industry. The Japanese saw a new opportunity in the electronic quartz watch and while they had less than 1% of the world’s watch market in 1968, the Japanese today account for over 30%.

The United States in the fall of 2008 is in the midst of a national election campaign. One party has nominated a vice presidential candidate who is “out of the box." She comes from Alaska ... about as far from Washington as one can be geographically! This candidate had served as a mayor for some years but her town had less than 10,000 people in it. She is a current governor of her state, but the state has only 600,000 people. The nation had not known much about her previously. For many, she does not into a familiar paradigm and therefore is not qualified.

This article is not meant to be a political statement. I am trying to point out that we all operate in our “boxes” of thinking. We live by paradigms: standards and ideas that are part of these “boxes.”

Consider another example. In my travels in various continents, I have observed that people use different utensils when eating. In America, it seems a fork will do for most meals unless we eat steak and need a sharp knife to cut it or when we need to spread butter or jam on bread. In Canada and in most of Europe, forks are almost always complimented by knives. In certain Asian countries, bare hands are used when eating. Interestingly though, even the use of hands requires the right technique and approach. Some cultures take pride in using only the tips of their fingers. Societies that make use of the fuller hand are considered uncultured and uncouth! How fascinating!


I have found our bondage to certain paradigms true in virtually every area of life. We cannot, or will not even consider other paradigms. In the world of the church it is often said cynically that its 7 last words are.. “We’ve always done it this way before!” Or as someone else said, “come weal or woe, our status is quo!” It is the same in education and in business. I served on the board of governors for a university for some years and was often amazed how academia looks at the world. It was their world and the only world they knew.

Willful blindness, pride, stubbornness, or simply being incapable or unwilling to anticipate new paradigms and realities can be deadly. We must be able to predict the needs of costumers and develop products or services that will fulfill those needs.


So, how about your world? What paradigms are you bound to? What are you missing in life because you have never considered a new paradigm? Some practical suggestions you will find useful are:

1. Deliberately recruit and affirm those who are entrepreneurial and creative in their thinking. We tend to dismiss such folks as impractical dreamers. But paradigm pioneers are almost always outsiders. One example is a young person. He or she does not yet know all the reasons why a new idea is sure to fail. Fred Smith, founder of Federal Express is a perfect contemporary illustration. Thomas Edison, the Wright Brothers, and hosts of others were all persistent dreamers and visionaries. They were ridiculed and dismissed but today we benefit constantly from their discoveries. Woodrow Wilson once said, “I use not only the brains I have, but all that I can borrow!"

2. Find time for “dream” or “vision casting” retreats and get-togethers. Many would consider such activities as a waste of precious time. Yet, out of such vision casting could come new ideas and concepts that will position your business for the future and ensure that you will have products and services as conditions and needs change in our society. Be deliberate about the future and welcome it by preparing for inevitable change. If you wait until you have all the evidence and proof before changing a paradigm, you will likely never change. Be willing to trust intuition as new ideas surface.

3. Broaden your focus from problem solving to anticipation. We often measure managerial skills on the basis of problem solving ability. What about problem avoidance or opportunity identification?

4. Keep an open mind. We resist new paradigms because we are blind. Many exercises have been conducted to show that while our eyes may suggest something new is happening, our brain (experience) overrules our eyes and dismisses new things. Remember the deck of cards experiment? Change the hearts cards to black from red and flash such a deck of cards rapidly in front of your eyes. The eyes may see something different but the brain says, “Hearts are always red. There is nothing unusual about this deck!” Consider these two laughable examples:

“Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if not utterly impossible.” Simon Newcomb, astronomer, 1902.

“There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.” Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Resources that have been helpful to me and from which I gleaned ideas that I have used here is Peter Drucker’s book, Managing in Turbulent Times, and the writings and lectures of futurist Joel Barker.

I conclude with this challenge from Drucker, “Significant competitive advantage lies with those organizations and individuals who anticipate well in turbulent times."

Want to talk more? Contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, September, 2008

ENJOYING CONFLICT??? Are you kidding???

Over the years I have worked with many groups experiencing conflict. I have been called upon to mediate conflict and I have taught seminars and classes on how to understand and resolve conflict. I am certain that I have even caused conflict at times. It seems like TV and other media would have nothing to talk or write about if there was no conflict. It's all we hear about from every corner of the world.

I take what some might regard as a bizarre attitude toward conflict.

I rather enjoy it!

Sound crazy? Hear me out. First, lets define what conflict is. Some definitions you will find in books on the subject go something like, "conflict is discord due to actual or perceived opposition of needs values and interests." A slightly more complex definition states that conflict involves two or more parties with incompatible goals who seek to undermine each other's goal seeking capability.

The one I prefer is much more simple. It simply says that conflict is two or more objects, ideas, goals--- ANYTHING ACTUALLY--- that seek to occupy the same space at the same time. This can be as simple as two drivers who each seek to park their car in the same parking spot at the mall. Or it can be two countries who each seek to occupy the same territory (or control someone's oil pipeline or natural resources).

Competition will produce conflict. Each competitor has a design on the same goal -- winning! Even cooperation can produce conflict because while people can share in a common goal or outcome, they may have very different ideas of how they can reach those goals. This can produce conflict and strife.

So why in the world would someone be crazy enough to welcome conflict and to enjoy it? Here is my rationale. First, conflict is inevitable. It is naïve and folly to think otherwise. Death is the only sure way to avoid conflict. Until death comes therefore, I take the view that we all have to deal with it. We might as well enjoy it. Furthermore, there are many potentially positive elements to conflict:

1. Conflict can enhance communication. I will be more careful about what I say or write when I know that my words could be misunderstood or that they could lead to anger or disappoint by those who hear or read them.

2. Conflict can force us to sharpen our thinking. I will calculate and consider very carefully the merits of my arguments if I know that another may challenge them.

3. Conflict can greatly strengthen relationships. Yes, of course it can also destroy but it has the potential to solidify relationships and friendships. A conflict worked out well will almost always lead to a stronger friendship between the parties in conflict. New agreements and covenants forged will serve the parties well in the future.

4. Conflict can teach us courtesy and respect for others. If we listen to one another we will acknowledge humbly that our way is not necessarily always the only way or even the best way!

The key to conflict is not whether we might encounter it but rather HOW we will choose to deal with it. Some important principles on how to deal well with conflict include:

-recognize conflict in its earliest stages before the "gathering of bullets" stage when each side collects ammunition to bolster an argument or position. Too often people ignore conflict or pretend it does not exist.

-Communicate fairly and listen openly so that the real issues can be brought to the table and all parties are treated respectfully.

-When necessary, utilize the services of a third party or mediator. Such a person can make sure all issues are heard and parties "fight fairly."

-Agree (in writing when appropriate) on the terms and understandings used to resolve the conflict.

-It is not necessary to always have a "win-lose" resolution to conflict. I often speak in terms of percentages. It can be helpful for parties in conflict to indicate what percentage they might be willing to "give" in any given conflict. Issues are often not "black and white" or morally "right or wrong." It can be quite acceptable to agree to mutually give 50% or more in a conflict in order to bring resolution. Good resolution can be achieved when each party shows he or she is willing to "give a little." This can make for happier marriages as well by the way.

-Also, it is good to remember that some cultures consider direct communication between conflicted parties as rude and unacceptable. In such settings a third party may be necessary to lead a more indirect approach. Some cultures resolve conflict by telling stories. As our world becomes increasingly multicultural we need to become more sensitive to the ways in which other cultures handle conflict.

Two of the most basic issues in all conflict are the tensions between relationships and goals. If we behave "shark-like" to achieve our goals and projects at all costs, we may strain relationships with one another. On the other hand, the "teddy bear" approach may salvage relationships but projects may go untouched. In my seminars I administer a test sometimes to help participants see whether they are sharks or teddy bears, OR, turtles who care neither about relationships or goals and simply tuck their heads into a shell, OR owls who wisely, are able to maintain good relationshps while achieving important goals-- a certain "win-win" approach.

There are many conflict stories I could share as I look back. One of the more delightful "conflict experiences" that come to my mind is a fairly recent one. A board of a non-profit was divided over personnel. The "sharks" in the group wanted heads to roll! Wild accusations were made- some not even remotely close to being true. Over the months this board instituted an orderly and objective performance review for its director. As I was certain would be the case, the results were overwhelmingly positive. The "sharks" lost their bite! Today this organization continues to face challenges but the unity and harmony they exhibit is refreshing and heartwarming to observe. Concerns by the "sharks" were heard but relationships were maintained --- a sort of "win-win" situation and a happy conclusion. AND, a much more unified board besides.

Are you frustrated in how you have dealt with conflict in the past? Are you facing some serious or troubling conflicts right now? I welcome your inquiry or questions. I will be glad to talk with you about your conflict management style or your conflict concerns. You can contact me at Rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, August, 2008

KNOW COMMUNICATION or NO COMMUNICATION!

Communication has been my life for years! Then again, for whom is communication not important? Unless you are never with other people, you constantly depend on effective communication . Good communication is imperative at work, when you order your dinner at your favorite restaurant, and if you hope to experience happy relationships with friends or family. Even Tom Hanks stranded alone on an island in the movie Castaway, needed desperately to communicate with someone, somehow!


I have just returned from Poland where I spoke at a week long conference. Communication becomes even a greater challenge when an interpreter is needed. As I flew back from this conference I got to thinking more about the business of communicating.

What is communication? Conveying a message and receiving information back with minimal distortion is one way we could describe it. Notice that I am suggesting communication needs to be a cycle. It is not enough to send out signals. They must be received and returned to confirm that the original message was correctly received. It sounds like a very risky proposition and I believe it is. Yet, it is crucial to success in virtually every area of life. A survey conducted by the University of Pittsburgh and its Katz Business School revealed that good communication skills was the number one factor in how managers are selected by businesses. Good communication skills and the ability to get along with people were the main factors in contributing to job success.

Let's examine the communication process and highlight some roadblocks and principles that will help you communicate more effectively.

1. Know your message.

What do you wish to say? What do you want to get across? You must be very clear about what you desire to say. Is it simply about the time to meet for lunch? Is it about terminating an employee who is not performing to standards? Is it about confronting a colleague about a concern? Is it to comfort someone at a time of great loss? Is it to propose marriage to the love of your life? Few things are more frustrating than to listen to someone who is unclear about his or her intentions.


2. Know your channel.


What method of communication will you use? Is screen to screen communication going to work or will face to face be better? Increasingly today, we are relying on text messaging, emails, video conferencing, and emails to communicate. Technology has transformed communication and has introduced new paradigms to the communication process. The cycle of communication today is in hours not in days. We expect almost instant replies and will not tolerate days or even weeks of waiting for responses to our messages as we would have 30 years ago. There are some dangers however with the use of technology. It has limitations. Emails can easily be misunderstood. They cannot capture a facial expression or a squeeze of the hand. Unlike the human voice, an email.cannot capture a tender spirit or a stern warning to the degree that a face to face meeting can. For example, sharing the results of a performance review should never be done via a text message or an email. On the otherhand, giving someone directions to a location can be done very well electronically. Text message users employ many abbreviations and codes. To the unitiated, such use can greatly enhance the liklihood of being misunderstood. Generational differences are important to consider too. Persons nearing retirement generally are not as keen to regard text messaging and other technology as the best way to communicate. People much younger regard it as natural and effective. Do not regard technology as the Godsend in communication! It has limitations. On occasion, travel to make the communication more personal and face to face, can be money well spent.


3. Know your audience.


Are there cultural dynamics you should be aware of? When I work with clients using the LIFO Survey© I sometimes ask them to write hypothetical letters seeking employment to persons who view life through different windows. This helps people realize that different people respond to messages in different ways. Knowing with whom you are communicating will force you to frame your message in different ways and is critical to having your message understood. Some cultures are more direct than others. Some expect a lot of social niceties before "getting down to business". It is possible to strain relationships severely when the culture of our audience is ignored. Some years ago I ignored this principle and almost destroyed a friendship. My office was arranging a trip to an Asian country. Since I did not know my counterpart in that country but did know one of his board members personally, I instructed our office to contact the board member. To me this seemed perfectly natural as I had developed a relationship with this person while my counterpart was unknown to me at that time. The contacts were made and I naively thought all was well. With the help of a friend who had lived in that country for many years we were able to determine why my host was so cool towards me. The reason was simple. I had contacted one of his subordinates instead of him directly. I had committed a cultural faux pas. I was instructed how to remedy the problem in a very indirect way and thus was able to salvage the friendship. Every business has a culture of some sort. Knowing what it is can be a great help to you in effective communication. Do what you can to learn about the environment into which your communication will be delivered.

Communication is risky! You can do at least something about each of the three points I have made above. You may not always be able to learn much about your audience. You cannot be expected to know every cultural nuance or agenda, bias, or issue of the receiver of your communication. You cannot know how seriously he or she will read what you have written. You cannot guarantee that it will even be read. You can diligently seek to "encode" your message but how it will be "decoded" is ultimately outside the realm of your control. It is amazing to me that while communication is essential and basic to life, it is also a very risky and challenging task.

Want to talk about it some more? You can contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com. I will do my best to communicate well with you and to assist you in finding ways to enhance your communication skills.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, June, 2008

WHEN WILL THIS BUILDING EVER GET BUILT?--- THE IMPERATIVE OF CORE VALUES!!!

In the 1960's when the John Hancock building was under construction in Chicago, I walked by the site several times a week. I peered through the little windows in the plywood surrounding the site and observed workers and machines like ants busily working many feet below. To me it seemed they were working there forever. I wondered when this huge building (100 storeys, 1500 feet to the top of the antenna masts, still today the 5th highest building in North America) would ever take shape. Many months went by before the superstructure was put in place. When work finally began above ground, it seemed progress was made much more rapidly. For the enormous structure to withstand wind and weather it had to be securely anchored or grounded.

Often I have reflected on this experience. I believe that our individual or company core values are like the foundation of any building, tall or small. Without core values or beliefs, our "building" may not stand over time.


What are core values? Core values are beliefs. They are operating philosophies that guide our conduct and relationships. Core values are philosophies that guide how we conduct ourselves. Core values are the heart of a company's or of an individual's culture. Core values are guiding principles or absolute tenets that cannot be compromised. Kouzes and Posner put it this way, "To do what we say we will do, we must know what we want to do and how we wish to behave."

Jim Collins in his popular book, Built to Last, asks why visionary companies are visionary? What makes them successful? One of Collin's discoveries is that they all hold to an uncompromising set of core values. As my reference to the John Hancock building suggests, core values are foundational. Our personal lives or our businesses will flounder, and perhaps collapse without core values.


What will core values do for you?


* Core values help us make choices. Decision making becomes infinitely easier; we can invest our time and energy and other resources much more strategically when we are guided by a set of core values. Some years ago I accompanied a university president as he was contacting major donors. A very strong willed and major contributor boasted about how the university needed to establish a satellite campus in his community. He offered to put up substantial money to make this a reality. I became somewhat enthused about the possibility. The moment he remarked that no housing facilities would be necessary because the extension campus could be a "commuter campus" the president of the school lost interest. Despite the animated pleas and arguments of the donor, the university president was unmoved. He said simply, "A commuting campus does not fit our core values. We believe in community. Education does not just happen in a classroom!" The discussion was over. For the president the choice was simple. The offer of a significant financial contribution left him unphazed. I learned a great lesson that day and I resolved to be guided by my own set of core values. The core values of the university made it very easy to make a decision.
* Core values enhance our self confidence. They help to define us. We develop a sense of security and confidence when we know who we are. We do not try to compare ourselves with others or try to be like them. We are who we are by the core values we espouse.

* Core values help us overcome discouragement. Many an athletic coach has suffered through the "agony of defeat" temporarily while building a program consistent with his or her core values. Core values keep us going when the going is tough. They inspire us, motivate us and drive us forward.
* Core values are a compass point. They provide focus and direction. The winds of time cannot blow us in every direction when our compass needle continually points us to our core values. Someone once asked what we would think if we succeeded in climbing a mountain only to discover that it was not the mountain we really wanted to climb? It is not possible to picture a desired future without core values.
* Core values give us a "bottom line." They not only help us to know where we want to go but they also show us where we do NOT want to go in life.

So how can we develop core values as individuals?

I am confident the reader of this article already has certain core values. They may be expressed or they may not be. If you desire to submit them to writing, refine them, or think about core values all over again, here are some steps that I have found helpful:

1. List what is important to you. Some examples and frequent core values of companies, schools, non-profits, military, and so on are concepts like integrity, service, excellence, relationships, innnovation, teamwork, results, people, etc.

2. Take time to distinguish between what you think should be important to you to what truly is important. Core values are not about "coulda", "woulda", "shoulda". They are about bottom line, non negotiable concepts. They are the principles that permeate every part of your mind and emotions.

3. Prioritize your list and narrow it down to at least 3 but no more than 7 core values. Take time for this.

4. Share your list if you wish with those who truly know you well so they can affirm your values or help you refine them.

5. Print them somewhere in a conspicuous place so they are often in your sight and on your mind. Put them on your website, and every place you can think of.

6. Live each day with these core values in mind, review them every chance you have until they are second nature to you.

How can we develop corporate core values?

Some of the same principles apply but you need to draw your employees, partners, and colleagues into the discussion from the beginning so they also "own" the values you put to paper. It can be a fascinating journey for a business or corporate board examine, review, or refine their core values.


Consider the image of this building's failed foundation. Picture a skyscraper developing cracks in its superstructure or worse,--- crashing to earth because of a poorly laid foundation. It is not a pretty picture. Similarly, picture your life, your family, or your business. How solid is your foundation of core values?

Want to talk about this? As always, I welcome your inquiry. You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, June, 2008

Accountability --- Has it become just another buzz word?

... perhaps it has in some circles anyway. What is accountability? Its roots are Latin and originate from the world of money lending. A person borrowing money in the Greek and later Roman world, was held "to account" that he would pay back what the lender gave him. We often define it as a willingness to accept RESPONSBILITY for our actions as well as for the consequences of those actions. In very simple language we could say we are accountable when we "own" what we do and what happens as a result of what we do. Some regard accountability as one of the three legs of effective empowerment; --- responsibility and authority being the other two. One definition of accountability I once saw used a mathematical equation. It looked like this: 

There are many faces of accountability. There is judicial and political accountability. The market place requires accountability and customers have a remarkable way of holding people accountable. There is social and educational accountability. A recent visit with a US Marine lawyer showed me that the military places great emphasis on accountability as well. Often people speak of personal accountability in the area of morals and conduct.

I am focusing today on team accountability. 

In Patrick Lencioni's book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, lack of accountability is listed as the fourth dysfunction. A traditional understanding of accountability in the context of a corporate team, board of directors, sales team, or church leaders, would bring to mind a CEO, a manager, a senior leader of whatever title-- formal or informal, who is responsible to hold everyone's feet to the fire, so to speak. It is not a fun part of leadership and it sets the leader apart as the "heavy"! Once when I was forced to intervene and hold someone accountable I recall that I literally shook as I considered the ramifications of what I had to do. A board member to whom I went for some solace, simply said, "It goes with the territory. You have to do this sometimes!" While his point was accurate, I always thought this was a heavy burden to impose on a leader. It offered little comfort to me.

Lencioni has a theory that I like very much better. He argues that team members need to be willing to point out shortcomings or failures to fellow team members. No better way to maintain high standards of performance on a team exists than to harness peer pressure. It reduces the need for bureaucracy in the area of performance management. Lencioni argues that the fear of letting down respected co-workers is a powerful motivator to enhance performance.

It might be argued that team accountability would put enormous strain on personal relationships. The opposite is actually the case. Holding one another accountable demonstrates the respect and expectations people have for each other. Failing to do so actually diminishes morale, decreases respect, and results in built up resentment toward peers who do not perform adequately.

So lets get started! What can you do in your business, with your board, with your leadership team or staff in a church to start building team accountability?

1. Establish clear goals and behaviors. The team must know what it needs to achieve. Lencioni believes that ambiguity is the enemy of accountability. Make the goals as public as possible.

2. Structure mechanisms for frequent and effective communication so team members can express how they feel about how they are doing in achieving their goals.

3. Encourage teams to confront performance issues head on and promptly. Procrastination almost always makes the situation worse and often only delays the inevitable but with more undesirable outcomes.

4. Establish markers to track progress.

Ken Blanchard has written that we cannot accomplish what we want if we do not help each other. Leaders all by themselves are vulnerable. Moving from a "top down" to a peer to peer accountability model will have many positive effects. Here are a few:

1. You will see a greater degree of team satisfaction and a higher sense of morale.

2. There will be greater cooperation between workers.

3. You will achieve better decision-making. 

4. You will find that there is greater vigilance in problem solving.

Not finance. Not strategy. Not technology. It is teamwork that remains the ultimate competitive advantage, both because it is so powerful and so rare. These are the opening sentences in Lencioni's book. I agree with him and I hope you have been stimulated to apply the concept of team accountability to your work place.

Want to know more? I welcome inquiries and questions. One of my special delights is to work with teams, boards, and staff to try to enhance team effectiveness. Please drop me a note at rick@icarecoaching.com. If you have friends that you feel would enjoy reading this newsletter or others on my website, please forward their names to me.  Thanks!

Rick Penner

Copywright 2008

www.icarecoaching.com

Get this - IT IS ALL ABOUT PEOPLE!!!

Over time you may conclude that I sound like a broken record. I talk about relationships and people a lot. I just can't help it I guess. I really believe success in life comes by knowing how to relate to and how to get along with people. Skills for a particular job assignment can be taught in fairly short order. Knowing how to relate well to people seems a tougher challenge. Years ago I remember a college president telling his audience that business leaders repeatedly stressed focusing on the social sciences in terms of what college education should be about. Skills can be taught once employed and besides, they need to be tailored to the specific job application anyway. Teach students to express themselves clearly and to learn to relate was the challenge from these execs.

I just returned from a trip to Israel. I have led several tours there in the past and this one was doubtless the very best ever. Why? Two of the main reasons have to do with people. First, we were paired up with a wonderful guide. When he met us at the airport on the very first day he said, "You are now my family for the next 12 days!" That set the tone. We were indeed family. In the past I have enjoyed other equally knowledgeable guides but this one had the advantage of being very much people oriented.

The second reason for the success of our tour was that the travelers all related to one another well. There was genuine caring. Concerns for extended family health issues, offers of cell phone use, assisting others when the steps became a challenge to some, were a few examples of caring that took place. At the end, reunions were planned and hopes of another tour somewhere else were expressed. The people liked each other and wanted to be together.

Permit me to introduce two words that may possibly be new to you. They relate to the matter of working with people. One is Modalism and the other is Sodalism. Modalism is about structure and the sustaining of an institution. Under modalism people are not very important. Whether admitted or not, preserving the institution is all that really matters in a modalistic system. Sadly, I am convinced that the government at most levels, industry, and churches and denominations, have become excessively modalistic. For example, do you really believe we will ever see a major paradigm shift in how taxes are collected? Not very likely! There are far too many structures and committees that would become obsolete. Politicians would be out of jobs and more importantly they would lose power and influence. Similarly in the church world, many people become disillusioned because they do not desire simply to keep the mechanisms and gears of the institution functioning. Modalism is a major reason for the disaffection and cynicism that pervades our society today.


Sodalism on the other hand, is mission focused. I would argue that focusing on mission essentially equals focusing on people.

I have spent much of my adult life in the administration of churches. I noticed that when a new church is begun, it is very much in a sodalistic frame of mind. The congregants meet often to discuss, eat, play, plan, work, and dream together. After about 5 or 7 years (students of this phenomenon have varying opinions) a sad change takes place. Slowly but surely meeting together becomes much more infrequent. When meetings take place it is more and more to” grease” and maintain the machinery of the church. Initially, most everyone in the church has the keys to the building. This works well. Over time however, more people join. No one seems to know who has or who does not have keys anymore. Security now becomes a problem. A manual is needed and a policy must be established concerning who is authorized to have keys to the church. Do you see the picture? Modalism is becoming entrenched.

Business is no different. Mom’s and Pop’s who pioneer a business are usually in a sodalistic mode. It is all about people and the mission of the business. Over time, and often when the second generation takes over, the initial vision and mission become blurred. It is a sad but perhaps inevitable shift. Or is it? An organization with which I work at present is spending time to revisit its original mission. They have not done this for a long time. I believe they may well come back to what set them apart at the very beginning. People will begin to matter more again.


Obviously order and structure are necessary. It is imperative to have constitutions, job descriptions, operational manuals, and so on. I am not arguing against structure. To do so would be to invite chaos. I am arguing that we must be wary and alert to keep structure in their proper place. They are means to a much greater end. Structure is by no means the end itself.

As you look at your business, your school, your church--- what mode do you believe you are in? Are you mission and people focused? Is there a sense of community present among your employees? How do you view your employees? Are you keenly conscious that they are people with families, hobbies, aging parents, growing infants, dreams of their own?

Want to talk about it? I would love to hear from you. You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com or use the contact portion of my website www.icarecoaching.com.

Rick Penner
Copyright, 2007
www.icarecoaching.com

Hope and Pandora's Box

March is a season of hope. Where I live, tulips are blooming and trees are budding. Hopeful signs of life are everywhere in nature. In American politics hope is a frequent theme and a leading candidate for president has written a book entitled, The Audacity of Hope. More importantly this is also the season of Easter which to persons of faith symbolizes the greatest sort of hope of all--- Resurrection and eternal life!!

So what does Pandora’s Box have to do with hope? Although the legend has been variously understood over the centuries, its roots are in Greek mythology, When Pandora, the Greek goddess opened what became known as Pandora’s Jar, all the evils of the world were released. Only Elpis (Greek word for “hope”) the personification of hope, remained in the jar. In the 16th Century, Erasmus mistakenly translated “jar” into the Latin,“box.” The word has stuck and ever since then we have all been afraid to open Pandora’s Boxes. 

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances. It is one of the three greatest virtues according to the Bible. It is what has kept many a prisoner of war alive in the most horrible of circumstances. Here are some ways others have expressed their ideas about hope:

In all things it is better to hope than to despair. - Goethe

Hope is the dream of a soul awake. - French proverb

Hope never abandons you, you abandon it.

We can live 40 days without food, 3 days without water, 8 minutes without air but only 1 second without hope.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings without words and never stops at all. -  Emily Dickenson

Hope is knowing that people, like kites, are made to be lifted up.

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.

Hope is the feeling that the feeling isn’t permanent. - Jean Kerr

He who has health has hope. And he who has hope has everything.

If we do not have hope beyond this life, we are of all men most miserable. - The Bible

The resurrection of Christ provides us with a living hope. - The Bible.

As I work with people in coaching it has become very obvious to me how critical hope is to living a contented life, yes, even living at all. I am troubled when a person gives up hope all together. Such a person has begun to die. We need things to look forward to. We must believe that somehow, someday things will be better; whether this be in the case of a prisoner of war in some filthy cell or someone who has just lost his job or source of income, or if it is a student whose course work seems to be never ending, or if it is about a wayward son or daughter making poor life choices, or whether it is someone whose health is failing. It is one reason why a terminally ill person will go anywhere, try any cure, pay any sum of money, to find healing and relief. Once we lose hope all together, we begin to die.

As I am a person from the faith community. I happen to believe that ultimately hope must transcend the human condition. Ultimately it is not enough to simply have hope in this life. The reason is that for each of us there comes a time when the ravages of disease, the elimination or outsourcing of jobs, the relentless march of time on our bodies, and so on, take their toll. The optimism and eagerness of youth is replaced with the stark reality that some things cannot be changed. We may be able to slow the process down but to date, that proverbial fountain of youth has not really been discovered. It is what Ecclesiastes calls the vanity of life. All is vanity and emptiness on the purely human level.

What are your thoughts about hope? Are you hopeful that your life, your work, and your marriage or family, will get better someday, somehow? Do you have plans to make your hope come alive by taking responsibility for your life? Or are you a person near the end of this life seriously pondering about what might lie ahead of you? Back to that Pandora's Box story for a moment - Students of Greek Mythology offer various suggestions about what the story was really meant to teach. One suggestion is that hope is the one positive in a world of evils. I like that interpretations. This world can be tough at times. When we find that there is too much "month at the end of the money," our optimistic hope can begin to flicker. We can easily conclude that life will only get worse. Maybe you feel that way right now. You can let most anything escape your Pandora's Box, but please do not allow hope to escape!

I would love to chat with you about your own thoughts on hope. If you are a person for whom life has become burdensome and discouraging, there surely must be reasons for hope. A life coach like myself can help you talk about your situation and come alongside you as you try to sort it all out. Even more importantly, if you have concerns and thoughts about a hope that transcends this life, I would be delighted to chat with you about that as well. You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com or use the contact portion of my website www.icarecoaching.com. 

Rick Penner

Copyright, 2007

www.icarecoaching.com 

Thoughts on last month's survey

Thank you to those who responded to our follow-up survey last month.  Here are a few observations that are interesting to note:

Those who responded have defined what success means to them and they do so in the context of spiritual or biblical values.

How well we are differentiated is intriguing.  We rely on or feel concerned about, the opinions of others.  Half of the respondents feel pressure to perform on the basis of what people expect of us.

While a high percentage of us begin each new day with an eagerness and an anticipation, only about half of the respondents feel that they have reached a point where they consider themselves successful.  Still, all of those who responded feel that they are comfortable “in their own skin” in terms of success.

Over 80% view their “cup” as half full rather than half empty.

I found considering your responses to be an illuminating process.  Thank you for taking the time to respond.  We plan to create additional opportunities for feedback and discussion on the blog and through the newsletter in the months ahead.  

Rick Penner

Copyright, 2007

www.icarecoaching.com