We all do at times!
Let me encourage you today and help you see that you probably possess more skills and experience than you may think as you wrestle with the challenges that come along your way each day.
When I was in graduate school years ago I worked with a pastor/therapist friend. He often said to me that I would be capable of working with 60% of his clients even though I was young, relatively untrained, and unsure of myself. His theory was that people whose lives are basically "together" already have a huge advantage over those who do not. Now this is not to disparage professional counselors and therapists. I currently chair the board that oversees a counseling center employing more than a dozen professionally trained therapists. Their training is extremely important and should never be minimized. It is saying however, that we tend to overestimate the place of formal training and downplay what one person can bring to another simply by listening, showing empathy, and on occasion even offering helpful advice.
This is the principle I have in mind today. I conduct seminars for people in Human Resources and care-giving kinds of work. We often tell them that who they are is what people will get. Also, in conflict management seminars I tell people that one of the most important assets a conflict mediator or manager brings to a stressful situation is who he or she really is. I am all for training and for professional development. Take advantage of worthwhile venues to sharpen your skills and enhance your knowledge. But, at the same time, do not sell yourself short. Here are a few basics that can be powerful as we deal with one another.
1. Integrity. Be a straight shooter! What would people say about you in this area? Can your word be trusted? Do you keep confidences? Do you say the same thing from day to day or do your stories change depending on the audience you are speaking to? Are you guided by a core value that values truth? Do people know where you stand on issues?
2. Serenity. Calm in the midst of a storm is powerful. Remember the quaint story about the young boy on a turbulent flight? When asked why he remained so calm when the aircraft he was in, was bouncing and shaking in the unstable air, he simply replied, "My father is the pilot!" In a time of conflict or turbulence your own serenity and calmness can be very powerful in reassuring and comforting others. I have often noticed this when relationships are in turmoil. I find it interesting to observe the correlation between heated arguments and hope for resolutions. Each go in opposite directions. As the decibel levels in an argument go up, common sense and sanity tends to diminish. A calming voice can do wonders at such times. Little wonder that Niebuhr's "Serenity Prayer" has been so powerful among the armed forces, in 12 step groups, and so on.
3. Optimism. People in stressful situations or in conflict soon see their situations as hopeless. If left unchecked they will soon despair and see no possibility for a good resolution. You as a third party or even as one of the "combatants" can have a powerful influence if you bring a positive and optimistic spirit. People gravitate towards those who have a cheery, positive view on life. Persons whose cups are always half empty do not inspire or motivate others well. I am not suggesting you live in a dream world or that we should ignore realities. But, one can always find something good to celebrate. A Holocaust survivor was grateful for lice in the concentration camps because it kept the vicious Nazi guards away from their barracks.
4. Grace. A person who is gracious is a tremendous asset in any relationship. To be gracious is to be pleasant, agreeable, courteous, affable, tactful, cordial,sociable, and warm. The opposite of a gracious person is one who is argumentative, opinionated, stubborn, crude, cold, tactless, mean spirited, and obnoxious. All of these words speak for themselves and each connotes a certain kind of picture in our minds when we hear them.
5. Generosity. A friend of mine used to say that he tried to live life with his hands metaphorically open and facing outward. He maintained that if he turned his hands downward as if to represent hoarding and protection, his assets tended to slip through the fingers. I think he was right. There is something incredibly freeing about giving to others. Not only do we improve the lot of those with whom we share our generosity, we also enhance the quality of our own lives and have the satisfaction of knowing that we have not lived selfishly.The wisdom literature in the Bible touches on many of these concepts. Here is a sample:
Do not let kindness and truth leave you.... Proverbs 3:3
Hatred stirrs up strife, but love covers all transgressions. Proverbs 10:12
There is one who scatters, yet increases all the more, and there is one who withholds what is justly due, but it results only in want. The generous man will be prosperous. Proverbs 11:24-25.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
A soothing tongue is a tree of life. Proverbs 15:4
A joyful heart makes a cheerful face. Proverbs 15:15
Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. Proverbs 25:11
Do not underestimate yourself! Basic decencies and courtesies and common sense will go a long way in the world in which you live. Be courageous when your instincts tell you it is time to speak up or take action. Trust your intuition more!
Want to chat about this? You can reach me at www.icarecoaching.com. I would be delighted to hear from you. Remember, a life coach does not teach you how to ride a bike but he will run alongside you as you ride yours! I would be honored to run along by your side for a while and perhaps it would help you ride better and faster. Hopefully it will also make the ride more enjoyable!
Dr Rick Penner
Copyright, Oct. 2008
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