I take what some might regard as a bizarre attitude toward conflict.
I rather enjoy it!
Sound crazy? Hear me out. First, lets define what conflict is. Some definitions you will find in books on the subject go something like, "conflict is discord due to actual or perceived opposition of needs values and interests." A slightly more complex definition states that conflict involves two or more parties with incompatible goals who seek to undermine each other's goal seeking capability.The one I prefer is much more simple. It simply says that conflict is two or more objects, ideas, goals--- ANYTHING ACTUALLY--- that seek to occupy the same space at the same time. This can be as simple as two drivers who each seek to park their car in the same parking spot at the mall. Or it can be two countries who each seek to occupy the same territory (or control someone's oil pipeline or natural resources).
Competition will produce conflict. Each competitor has a design on the same goal -- winning! Even cooperation can produce conflict because while people can share in a common goal or outcome, they may have very different ideas of how they can reach those goals. This can produce conflict and strife.So why in the world would someone be crazy enough to welcome conflict and to enjoy it? Here is my rationale. First, conflict is inevitable. It is naïve and folly to think otherwise. Death is the only sure way to avoid conflict. Until death comes therefore, I take the view that we all have to deal with it. We might as well enjoy it. Furthermore, there are many potentially positive elements to conflict:
1. Conflict can enhance communication. I will be more careful about what I say or write when I know that my words could be misunderstood or that they could lead to anger or disappoint by those who hear or read them.
2. Conflict can force us to sharpen our thinking. I will calculate and consider very carefully the merits of my arguments if I know that another may challenge them.
3. Conflict can greatly strengthen relationships. Yes, of course it can also destroy but it has the potential to solidify relationships and friendships. A conflict worked out well will almost always lead to a stronger friendship between the parties in conflict. New agreements and covenants forged will serve the parties well in the future.
4. Conflict can teach us courtesy and respect for others. If we listen to one another we will acknowledge humbly that our way is not necessarily always the only way or even the best way!
The key to conflict is not whether we might encounter it but rather HOW we will choose to deal with it. Some important principles on how to deal well with conflict include:
-recognize conflict in its earliest stages before the "gathering of bullets" stage when each side collects ammunition to bolster an argument or position. Too often people ignore conflict or pretend it does not exist.
-Communicate fairly and listen openly so that the real issues can be brought to the table and all parties are treated respectfully.-When necessary, utilize the services of a third party or mediator. Such a person can make sure all issues are heard and parties "fight fairly."
-Agree (in writing when appropriate) on the terms and understandings used to resolve the conflict.
-It is not necessary to always have a "win-lose" resolution to conflict. I often speak in terms of percentages. It can be helpful for parties in conflict to indicate what percentage they might be willing to "give" in any given conflict. Issues are often not "black and white" or morally "right or wrong." It can be quite acceptable to agree to mutually give 50% or more in a conflict in order to bring resolution. Good resolution can be achieved when each party shows he or she is willing to "give a little." This can make for happier marriages as well by the way.
-Also, it is good to remember that some cultures consider direct communication between conflicted parties as rude and unacceptable. In such settings a third party may be necessary to lead a more indirect approach. Some cultures resolve conflict by telling stories. As our world becomes increasingly multicultural we need to become more sensitive to the ways in which other cultures handle conflict.
Two of the most basic issues in all conflict are the tensions between relationships and goals. If we behave "shark-like" to achieve our goals and projects at all costs, we may strain relationships with one another. On the other hand, the "teddy bear" approach may salvage relationships but projects may go untouched. In my seminars I administer a test sometimes to help participants see whether they are sharks or teddy bears, OR, turtles who care neither about relationships or goals and simply tuck their heads into a shell, OR owls who wisely, are able to maintain good relationshps while achieving important goals-- a certain "win-win" approach.
There are many conflict stories I could share as I look back. One of the more delightful "conflict experiences" that come to my mind is a fairly recent one. A board of a non-profit was divided over personnel. The "sharks" in the group wanted heads to roll! Wild accusations were made- some not even remotely close to being true. Over the months this board instituted an orderly and objective performance review for its director. As I was certain would be the case, the results were overwhelmingly positive. The "sharks" lost their bite! Today this organization continues to face challenges but the unity and harmony they exhibit is refreshing and heartwarming to observe. Concerns by the "sharks" were heard but relationships were maintained --- a sort of "win-win" situation and a happy conclusion. AND, a much more unified board besides.
Are you frustrated in how you have dealt with conflict in the past? Are you facing some serious or troubling conflicts right now? I welcome your inquiry or questions. I will be glad to talk with you about your conflict management style or your conflict concerns. You can contact me at Rick@icarecoaching.com.
Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, August, 2008
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