Thoughts on last month's survey

Thank you to those who responded to our follow-up survey last month.  Here are a few observations that are interesting to note:

Those who responded have defined what success means to them and they do so in the context of spiritual or biblical values.

How well we are differentiated is intriguing.  We rely on or feel concerned about, the opinions of others.  Half of the respondents feel pressure to perform on the basis of what people expect of us.

While a high percentage of us begin each new day with an eagerness and an anticipation, only about half of the respondents feel that they have reached a point where they consider themselves successful.  Still, all of those who responded feel that they are comfortable “in their own skin” in terms of success.

Over 80% view their “cup” as half full rather than half empty.

I found considering your responses to be an illuminating process.  Thank you for taking the time to respond.  We plan to create additional opportunities for feedback and discussion on the blog and through the newsletter in the months ahead.  

Rick Penner

Copyright, 2007

www.icarecoaching.com 

How do you define success?

Our society is obsessed with success and winning. When Atlanta hosted the Olympics some years ago, billboards in the city displayed this statement: YOU DON’T WIN SILVER, YOU LOSE GOLD!

Think about this for a minute! There are over 10,000 athletes who compete in a typical modern summer Olympiad. Approximately 600 or so win gold medals. All the rest are losers according to the message of the billboards. What do you think about that? How foreign is that to the Olympic ideal of sportsmanship, fair play, competition, friendship building, and so on? Olympic officials persuaded the powers to be to remove the billboards because their message so contradicted the Olympic spirit. And yet?? I submit that many in our society have bought the line!

I believe this misguided philosophy will only lead to frustration and discouragement. Unless you happen to be in the elite group of 600, all your efforts, hard work, training, sacrifice, and focus, are for nothing. You are a loser! It is nonsense to think such a philosophy can work for us. May I suggest another?

I have the privilege of knowing a retired college football coach who knows a lot about winning and success. He is one of the top 10 winning coaches in the history of college football. His teams have won four national championships. He was recently inducted into the National Football Foundation College Hall of Fame. I guess we could say he has been in the elite company of the 600! However, he defines success and winning in very different ways. I am indebted to him for some of the ideas I wish to share with you today.

What is success? Is it the end of the road for you? Or is it the road itself? If winning is the be all and end all, most people will fail. A real winner believes that winning is not the road to success. Winning is the success road! That is, winning is in the journey itself! Winning is an attitude. Winning becomes a by product when we measure success in terms of giving our best. Success is not a comparison of my achievements with the achievements of others. Success is what I do myself in relation to the potential I have to do things. There is a great excitement that comes from personal achievement and becoming the best we can be. A by- product is that our performance level increases. Individuals will gain a new awareness of their personal worth. Confidence will increase. Morale will be raised.

The definition of success as described by our coach friend causes me to measure success in terms of what I can do compared to my best self, not what I can do in relationship to others. This is key. I have learned that comparing myself to others will always lead to frustration. One reason is that my spirit never is satisfied. I may begin by comparing myself to someone I can surpass with my skills and talents. Then I find someone more successful with whom to compare myself. If I am fortunate enough to surpass this person, I will always find still another person even more successful against whom I feel I must compete. Eventually I will meet my match and will find myself falling short and feeling very disappointed. Now I am a failure because I will generally find someone somewhere who makes more money, has a better house, a fancier title, and so on. It is a false measurement.

Do you remember the 1986 Winter Olympics? The movie, Cool Runnings depicts the story of the Jamaican bobsled team in these Olympic games. The very idea is humorous and sounds oxymoronic! Jamaica? ….. Bobsleds? The two do not go together. You will remember that this team raced through the icy curves and corners only to have their steering malfunction near the finish line. Buffeted by the wild ride, the athletes picked up the sled and carried it across the finish line where they were greeted by thunderous applause and cheers from the crowd. This illustrates my point. These Jamaican athletes were winners! We all have failures and disappointments. You may feel that your “steering mechanism” has broken down often as you race through life. Your attitude now becomes the key to your success.

You can complain, blame others, and talk about how unfair life is. Or, you can respond with dignity and class to what life brings you, get up, and continue the race! We cheer when we see athletes like the Jamaicans. We admire their class and competitive spirit.

This story illustrates the two points I am trying to make today.

Give your life the best shot, your personal best! Don’t compare yourself with others. Compare yourself with yourself. Attitude is the key!


Here is how a poet put it:

You Can If You Think You Can!

If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but you think you can't,
It is almost certain you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you're lost,
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will.
It's all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But soon or late the man who wins,
Is the man who thinks he can.

~ C. W. Longenecker ~

Want to talk about it? Know anyone who would like to be encouraged on the success road? A life coach can help you on your journey to success and winning. I invite you to contact me so we can discuss your success road in more detail. You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright 2008

What About Those New Year's Resolutions?

I write this in the middle of the first month of the new year! 

So how are you doing about those resolutions you set for yourself just a few weeks ago? What resolutions? …. Painful question? …. Maybe it is and if so keep reading. Let me offer some suggestions that will help you.

1. Are your resolutions wants or needs? The question is about motivation. If you made a resolution to lose weight, eat more wisely, or whatever--- did you do so because you truly want to or is it because you know you need to? A want is a stronger motivator than a need! Determine which it is. Wants come from deep within. Needs tend to be more external.

2. What is it that you have passion for in life? Often we make resolutions out of pressures that come to us from family members, friends or relatives. We may never really have a sense of ownership of these resolutions. Take some time to think about what it is in life that you truly feel passionate about. This takes time to do well. I am talking about real passion here. What is it for you? What makes you want to leap out of bed in the morning? What would you truly make sacrifices to accomplish? Develop a short list of your passions and then base your resolutions on these core values. The question of passion in life is one that a life coach will often ask a client. It is a way of knowing who another person really is and what “makes him or her tick”. 

3. Make your resolutions measurable. Determining to be more loving, more considerate, more thoughtful, and so on, sounds great but….? These are really only nice thoughts. However, planning to write 5 thank you notes per month to people you appreciate for example, is a very measurable and worthwhile resolution. Planning at least two nights with the family per week is also measurable. Supporting a favorite and worthwhile charity at $100 per month is also a very measurable resolution. You get the picture. Can you take stock every once in a while to determine if you are actually being successful in carrying out your resolutions? They must be measurable and specific for you to be able to do so.

4. Find a group or an individual for purposes of accountability. Human nature is what it is. If I know that someone will ask me weekly or monthly about a decision or commitment I have made, I tend to be more motivated. I have pride and do not want to face my friend or accountability group having to admit that I did not fulfill what I promised or purposed to do. It just works that way. We do not want to let others down and even more, we want to present the best possible impression of ourselves to others. 

Life coaching could be a wonderful investment for you at the start of a new year! Will this year be just like all the previous ones? Will you start out with the very best of intentions only to find that this year is nothing more than same old, same old? I invite you to break the cycle and consider the services of a life coach. It will make a difference and may well help you follow through and assist you to see your resolutions for the year to become reality in your life. What a happy prospect! I invite you to contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com or to use the contact portion of my website.

Happy New Year!

Dr. Rick Penner

Copyright, 2008

GEARS OR PEOPLE --- TOOLS OR PLANTS? WHAT ARE THEY?

What I am writing about today is not new and plenty of articles and books have been written about it! But apparently we still don’t seem to get it!!!

People are not gears or cogs in a wheel! They live and breathe. They have emotions and moods. Gears and machinery don’t. Machines can be thrown away and replaced easily. People --- that’s another story!

I work with a board for a non profit organization. Recently a few board members from this organization have been on a crusade to get rid of their executive director. They have accused her of all sorts of shortcomings and wrongdoings. As is sometimes done in such situations, they called for a performance review. I am all for performance reviews. I believe they ought to be done regularly and thoroughly. But this review had all the indicators of a witch hunt. There were no objective criteria by which to measure performance. As so often happens, this kind of performance review would be based on very subjective, emotional kind of data. I could see the handwriting on the wall so to speak. The ED was doomed!

This experience again reminded me of how we hurt ourselves and others by our insensitivities and carelessness in how we treat people. When Marshall Field first began building his department store he used to watch his employees leave work at the end of the day. With pride he would say, “There go our greatest assets!” How right he was. Our people are our greatest assets indeed!

By contrast I think of the words of the leader of a church based mission agency. He told his missionary force of several hundred that they were like gears, belts and pulleys on a huge machine! How inspiring! I am sure we all would love to be viewed as some gear or bearing on a machine. That would make me feel really valued! I could not wait to sign up to be part of his “machine”! I hope you catch the sarcasm.

How do you treat people? You may be a business owner with several or many employees. Perhaps you are part of a church leadership team and constantly work with people. Perhaps you are part of a social or civic club of some sort. Perhaps like me, you serve on various boards and committees. How do you view your colleagues and fellow board members? What is the “DNA” of your company when it comes to how you value people?

Tools we use to accomplish tasks are designed for one purpose. A wrench is not for cutting things. A pair of scissors is not designed to secure nuts and bolts to each other. These tools will never be anything but what they were designed to be. Plants are very different. They need to be watered, transplanted, pruned and fertilized. If we do that they will grow. Some will produce beautiful flowers. Others will produce delicious fruit. People are like plants not tools! They too need to be “watered and fed”. They will be more productive if we nurture them.

Here are some practical but powerful steps you can take to treat people like plants instead of tools!

1. Give recognition. 

I recently transferred some investments to a new company. Precisely ONE day after we had made this transfer a Thank you card signed personally by the partners in the investment company was in my mail box. I was impressed. By contrast, earlier this year, I transferred some other funds from an account manager who had not contacted me even once in over 5 years. Even when I closed out the account I received no inquiry or contact from him. See how simple this is? It does not take much to make a positive impression.

2. Keep communication lines open. 

No one likes surprises. If there are issues that may affect another person, be sure he or she knows what you are thinking and that it may impact the other person. I once was told via phone call that I would no longer be receiving remuneration from a certain organization I was with. It was a bolt from the blue and came from the board chairman who was vacationing in a sunny clime. He did not decide this while he was away and could have easily told me in person along with his rationale, well before he left town.

3. Be a person of your word.

If you make a promise, keep it! People latch on to things you say. A promise you make registers in the memory of the person to whom you make it. A broken promise erodes confidence and trust.

4. Be human. 

No one expects perfection. If you blow it, admit it! Don’t make excuses or blame others. If you forget to do something you said you would do, or if new circumstances arise that change things in one way or another, explain what happened, express your regrets, ask for forgiveness, etc and move on. People tend to give each other a lot of slack as long as they trust and believe in each other and believe they are being dealt with in good faith.

5. Laugh often. 

Scripture says that laughter is like a good medicine. I have walked into offices where the atmosphere is like the frigid arctic. I have also been in offices where there is good will, laughter and even frivolity. We take ourselves and life in general, too seriously at times. Share a great joke; don’t be afraid to be one too! Your colleagues will see your humanity. They will be more productive.

6. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 

This is so simple yet so profound. Simply stop and think a minute. How would you like to be treated? What makes your day? What is it that draws you to a certain kind of person? Why would you gladly spend time with one person and perhaps not another?

7. Invest in people.

In a business this may mean providing certain kinds of perks and benefits. A family member called me this week to tell me about a 3-day trip his company had provided for him and his wife. The company does not know that this employee was seriously considering leaving. This little investment in him has changed his mind. Professional development is well worth it. It speaks volumes to people. It says your company values you. It believes in you and that you have the potential to become an even more productive employee. My work in the LIFO Survey for example is a wonderful way to increase productivity and enhance group morale. I always find it fascinating to observe the positive change in attitude of people who take this helpful training. Investing in people is like watering and feeding plants. They flourish. 

People are our greatest assets! Let us never forget this. If you would like some encouragement in working with people, or if you would like information on the LIFO Survey productivity instrument, please feel free to contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com or take a look at the LIFO Survey section on my website www.icarecoaching.com

Copright, 2008

Dr. Rick Penner

Integrity Check

If you have integrity nothing else matters. If you do not have integrity nothing else matters!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I cannot find language of sufficient energy to convey my sense of the sacredness of private integrity!”

US president Eisenhower stated, “The supreme quality of leadership is unquestionably integrity.”

Ronald Reagan said he was proud to be called a P.I.G.! To him it meant …. Persistence… Integrity… Guts! 

Oprah Winfrey has expressed what many others have tried to say to explain integrity. It is that real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not! 

Everywhere in our culture integrity is viewed as a supreme quality. Maslow put it at the very top of his hierarchy of needs pyramid. Much has been written about the idea of integrity and the above are just a few of myriads of examples. 

What is integrity anyway? You might think it is easy to define but in reality it is a little more complicated than we might think. We use the term in various ways. There is for example a self integrated kind of integrity. This involves keeping ourselves intact and being harmonious in a prioritized system of values and desires. In this scenario we define our own kind of integrity and seek to live consistently with it in every area of our life. 

We also speak of integrity in terms of remaining true to a commitment. This commitment might be to promises, to people or institutions, to ideals or principles, or projects. If a person remains consistently supportive of a particular athletic team whether it is winning or losing, we say such a person has integrity. A person whose word is good has integrity. Someone has said that it is better to have an enemy who keeps his word than a friend who does not!

Some like Cheshire Calhoun describe integrity as a social issue. Here integrity consists of being true to one’s community. Therefore a terrorist or any kind of fanatic has integrity because he or she lives passionately for his community, maybe even to the point of being willing to give his life for his community. There is no moral code as such in play here. 

Perhaps the most common understanding of integrity involves morality. Elizabeth Ashford calls this objective integrity. A person with integrity is one who shares our moral values. A question I would raise here is this: Who defines moral values? On what are they based? Can they change with time? 

The word “integrity” has Latin roots. The word speaks of wholeness or completeness. Other dictionary definitions declare integrity to involve a firm adherence to a code of moral values, an unimpaired condition or purity. 

I enjoy theories but basically I am a practitioner. I like to get to the basics. 

So, can we talk about integrity in very simple terms? I think so. 

Let me make it a little simpler! The definition I like most is that we have integrity when what we THINK… SAY… and DO are aligned into wholeness.

The closer these 3 qualities line up with each other, the more integrity we possess. If these 3 circles are not superimposed one over the other we do not have integrity. The farther apart they are the less we are practicing integrity. 

Want to do a little inventory of your life and see what kind of integrity you have? Look at this list of some common virtues. Think about your life. In each of these areas is what you THINK, the same as what you SAY? And, do these 2 also line up with what you DO? The more you are able to answer, “Yes!” , the more you can be certain that you are practicing integrity!

Honesty.

Courage. 

Fairness. 

Sensitivity. 

Humility. 

Adaptability.

Communicativeness. 

If you are concerned about being more “whole” or if you would like to develop a more complete lifestyle of integrity, give me a call or send me an email at rick@icarecoaching.com. I would love to talk with you! 

Dr. Rick Penner

Copyright, 2007

www.icarecoaching.com 

It's all about RELATIONSHIPS!

        It's not WHAT you know it is WHO you know!

        You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!

All these familiar sayings talk about the need we as humans have to be in relationship or community with one another.  Here are a few lighthearted statements about relationships that may bring a smile to your face.

The comedian Rodney Dangerfield known as the guy who "can't get no respect!" said, "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.  He said I was being ridiculous-- everyone has not met me yet!"

An adaptation of the Serenity Prayer: ---  God grant me the senility to forget the people I never like anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

This one may have a lot of truth to it:--- The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue! 

DEFINING  RELATIONSHIP

So what is a relationship anyway?  Some synonyms that come to mind are association, affiliation, connecting, friendship, interaction, and community.  Relationships have many levels.  This past week I went to the post office to mail some things.  While standing in line for perhaps at most 10 minutes I learned a great deal from the man standing immediately behind me.  In those few minutes I learned about the places he has lived, his church affiliation, his family issues, his environmental concerns, and his short term travel plans.  Did we have a relationship?  Well sort of!  We connected at some level.  Virtual communities on the internet claim to have great relationships while they maintain anonymity with each other.  I can really not grasp that concept but it appears to be true.

BASIC INGREDIENTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

One of the things relationships do is build trust.  Trust is a fundamental concept to building an enduring relationship.  The most profound trust exists in a marriage relationship and when that trust is destroyed a marriage relationship is sorely tested.   To a lesser degree however, trust needs to be part of even more casual relationship too.  For example, if someone you know recommends a certain type of car, it has greater impact than if a car salesman recommends a certain type of car.  You are not sure whether you can trust the salesman.  You do not know him or her and you assume they have an ulterior motive--- to sell you a car.  Simply put, you have little or no trust in the salesman.   If someone you know recommends a car however, you tend to take his or her word for it.  You trust their judgment, you have learned  (hopefully) that what they say can be trusted.  If not, you do not have much of a relationship.

It is the same way when seeking to find a new position.  A good recommendation from a trusted friend is infinitely better than dozens of generic references from total strangers.  That is why we say it is not so much what you know as who you know that counts!

RELATIONSHIP DESTROYERS

Relationships can be fragile!  In my view the greatest threat to a relationship is CONTEMPT!  Contempt at its root is the idea that I am somewhat better than you are.  It is incredibly prevalent and we are often not really aware that we feel contempt towards another.  Here are a few examples:

-Do you remember the last time you stood in a check out line at the grocery store?  Let us say that the person ahead of you was grossly overweight.  Did you find yourself looking at this person's grocery selections?  Did you find yourself thinking smugly to yourself--- No wonder!  Just look at what he or she is buying!  I know better than to buy all those unhealthy products!  This is contempt!

-Pretend you are still at the check out counter.  You are in a hurry and have only 2 or 3 items to purchase.  The person ahead of you fills the check out conveyor belt.  Finally, all the items are processed and it is your turn. -- No, it is not.  The person ahead of you now fumbles through her purse looking for her check book or credit card.  Then her cell phone rings and she answers it.  What are you thinking by now?  That is contempt!  You are thinking to yourself--- Why is she not better organized?  Could she not have anticipated that she would need to pay for her groceries?  Why did she have to answer that phone when I am waiting?  This too is contempt!

-Imagine that you hear the news that a neighbor lost his job.   What are you thinking?  Perhaps you think to yourself--- No wonder!  How can someone who is habitually tardy or absent from a job expect to keep it for long.  I know that.  I am not surprised!  I show up for work on time.  I am better than he.  This is contempt!

-Think about your driving habits.  When the motorist in front of you changes lanes abruptly without signaling their intentions, what are you thinking?  Yes, of course,-- this is also contempt!

At a conference for therapists I heard the statement that over 90% of all marriages will fail when one spouse feels contempt for the other.   The presence of contempt is THE single most destructive agent in relationships.

A great way to live is to become aware of our tendency to be contemptuous.  The Bible admonishes us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think and further states that we should do some sober appraising of how we view ourselves.

We often glibly quote the axiom-- "There but for the grace of God go I!  I suspect that we do not always really believe that.  A more accurate version might be---"How could he be so stupid!  Surely I would never do that!"

HOW AM I IN RELATIONSHIPS?

I am am convinced that this axiom in fact is very true.  We need to realize that given the right circumstances we too are capable of making the most stupid decisions possible.  Until we truly believe that, we are vulnerable to fall big time.  I challenge you to think very carefully about this idea.  Until you truly acknowledge your own weaknesses and tendencies to make crazy choices, you are a contemptuous person.

Want to enjoy strong and happy relationships?  Make sure you never show contempt for another person.  If you do, that person will sense it.  He will not trust you.  She will not confide in you.  The other person will say what he or she thinks you want to hear.  Integrity and transparency will have left the relationship.

Want to talk more about relationships?  Contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com  I would love to hear from you.

Rick Penner

Know Thyself!

Carved into the forecourt of the temple of Apollo in Delphi are the Greek words translated into English as -- "Know Thyself."  Here is a picture of the same aphorism in a modern European building.

It is disputed as to who is the author of this truism.  Some attribute the words to Socrates, others to Pythagoras.  Some ascribe lofty meaninds while most suggest that what was intended was simply to declare that we must know our habits, morals, temperament, ability to handle emotions, our talents and skills, our shortcomings, and a host of other issues in life with which we deal constantly.

The challenge to "Know Thyself" inspired both Ralph Waldo Emerson and Alexander Pope to pen poetry, is used as the motto for a liberal arts college in upstate New York ,and even found its way into the movie, The Matrix.

Many scholars, sages, political figures and philosophers have expressed themselves on the idea of "Know Thyself." Here are a few samples.

*  Thoreau said it is as hard to see one's self as to look backwards without turning around!

 

*  The first principle is that you must not fool yourself--- and you are the easiest person to fool.  Richard Feynman

 

*  There is more hope for a fool than there is for a man wise in his own eyes.  Book of Proverbs, author Solomon

*  Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.  Judy Garland

 

*  So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.  Nietzsche

 

*  Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.  Carl Jung

 

*  The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.  Wm Shakespeare

 

*  If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed.  Kate Halverson

 

*  You grow up the day you have your first real laugh--- at yourself!   Ethel Barrymore

 

*  No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

*  Blessed are they who heal you of self despisings.  Of all services which can be done to man, I know of none more precious.  William Hale White

 

*  No bird soars too high if he soars on his own wings.  William Blake

 

These statements show that there is a balance we must find.  On the one hand some of us loathe ourselves at worst or at best, look down on ourselves and keep wishing we were someone else.  But on the otherhand are those who think more highly of themselves than they ought to think.  Such an attitude will not win popularity contests for ourselves either.   Someone said that he who is in love with himself will have no rivals.  It is balance we need here!  

One of the most basic features of life coaching is to assist persons to know themselves and to know contentment in so doing.  Coaching is not about trying to make a person into someone he or she was never intended to be.  It is rather designed to help a man or woman know him or herself and then to help that person live up to the fullest potential of who they are.  Coaching helps people accomplish their own goals.  It does not impose someone else's goals upon them.  Coaching encourages and motivates people upward to achieve their fullest potential.

How incredibly liberating it is when we learn to know who we are and cease trying to emulate someone else.  We spend a lot of time chasing after the looks, styles, and skills of others.  We emulate other musicians, athletes, preachers, executives, and so on.  How foolish!  A friend who followed a respected leader was reminded that he had "big shoes" to fill.  He replied, "His shoes won't fit me.  I have my own shoes!"  That is knowing yourself.

If you want to learn more about who you are, what makes you tick, and what makes you want to get up in the morning and face the world, -- then give me a call!  That is what coaches help people to do.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this newsletter.  If someone comes to mind who you feel might enjoy it also, please feel free to forward it.

Rick Penner

Copyright, 2007

learn more about our services at www.icarecoaching.com