GEARS OR PEOPLE --- TOOLS OR PLANTS? WHAT ARE THEY?

What I am writing about today is not new and plenty of articles and books have been written about it! But apparently we still don’t seem to get it!!!

People are not gears or cogs in a wheel! They live and breathe. They have emotions and moods. Gears and machinery don’t. Machines can be thrown away and replaced easily. People --- that’s another story!

I work with a board for a non profit organization. Recently a few board members from this organization have been on a crusade to get rid of their executive director. They have accused her of all sorts of shortcomings and wrongdoings. As is sometimes done in such situations, they called for a performance review. I am all for performance reviews. I believe they ought to be done regularly and thoroughly. But this review had all the indicators of a witch hunt. There were no objective criteria by which to measure performance. As so often happens, this kind of performance review would be based on very subjective, emotional kind of data. I could see the handwriting on the wall so to speak. The ED was doomed!

This experience again reminded me of how we hurt ourselves and others by our insensitivities and carelessness in how we treat people. When Marshall Field first began building his department store he used to watch his employees leave work at the end of the day. With pride he would say, “There go our greatest assets!” How right he was. Our people are our greatest assets indeed!

By contrast I think of the words of the leader of a church based mission agency. He told his missionary force of several hundred that they were like gears, belts and pulleys on a huge machine! How inspiring! I am sure we all would love to be viewed as some gear or bearing on a machine. That would make me feel really valued! I could not wait to sign up to be part of his “machine”! I hope you catch the sarcasm.

How do you treat people? You may be a business owner with several or many employees. Perhaps you are part of a church leadership team and constantly work with people. Perhaps you are part of a social or civic club of some sort. Perhaps like me, you serve on various boards and committees. How do you view your colleagues and fellow board members? What is the “DNA” of your company when it comes to how you value people?

Tools we use to accomplish tasks are designed for one purpose. A wrench is not for cutting things. A pair of scissors is not designed to secure nuts and bolts to each other. These tools will never be anything but what they were designed to be. Plants are very different. They need to be watered, transplanted, pruned and fertilized. If we do that they will grow. Some will produce beautiful flowers. Others will produce delicious fruit. People are like plants not tools! They too need to be “watered and fed”. They will be more productive if we nurture them.

Here are some practical but powerful steps you can take to treat people like plants instead of tools!

1. Give recognition. 

I recently transferred some investments to a new company. Precisely ONE day after we had made this transfer a Thank you card signed personally by the partners in the investment company was in my mail box. I was impressed. By contrast, earlier this year, I transferred some other funds from an account manager who had not contacted me even once in over 5 years. Even when I closed out the account I received no inquiry or contact from him. See how simple this is? It does not take much to make a positive impression.

2. Keep communication lines open. 

No one likes surprises. If there are issues that may affect another person, be sure he or she knows what you are thinking and that it may impact the other person. I once was told via phone call that I would no longer be receiving remuneration from a certain organization I was with. It was a bolt from the blue and came from the board chairman who was vacationing in a sunny clime. He did not decide this while he was away and could have easily told me in person along with his rationale, well before he left town.

3. Be a person of your word.

If you make a promise, keep it! People latch on to things you say. A promise you make registers in the memory of the person to whom you make it. A broken promise erodes confidence and trust.

4. Be human. 

No one expects perfection. If you blow it, admit it! Don’t make excuses or blame others. If you forget to do something you said you would do, or if new circumstances arise that change things in one way or another, explain what happened, express your regrets, ask for forgiveness, etc and move on. People tend to give each other a lot of slack as long as they trust and believe in each other and believe they are being dealt with in good faith.

5. Laugh often. 

Scripture says that laughter is like a good medicine. I have walked into offices where the atmosphere is like the frigid arctic. I have also been in offices where there is good will, laughter and even frivolity. We take ourselves and life in general, too seriously at times. Share a great joke; don’t be afraid to be one too! Your colleagues will see your humanity. They will be more productive.

6. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 

This is so simple yet so profound. Simply stop and think a minute. How would you like to be treated? What makes your day? What is it that draws you to a certain kind of person? Why would you gladly spend time with one person and perhaps not another?

7. Invest in people.

In a business this may mean providing certain kinds of perks and benefits. A family member called me this week to tell me about a 3-day trip his company had provided for him and his wife. The company does not know that this employee was seriously considering leaving. This little investment in him has changed his mind. Professional development is well worth it. It speaks volumes to people. It says your company values you. It believes in you and that you have the potential to become an even more productive employee. My work in the LIFO Survey for example is a wonderful way to increase productivity and enhance group morale. I always find it fascinating to observe the positive change in attitude of people who take this helpful training. Investing in people is like watering and feeding plants. They flourish. 

People are our greatest assets! Let us never forget this. If you would like some encouragement in working with people, or if you would like information on the LIFO Survey productivity instrument, please feel free to contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com or take a look at the LIFO Survey section on my website www.icarecoaching.com

Copright, 2008

Dr. Rick Penner

Integrity Check

If you have integrity nothing else matters. If you do not have integrity nothing else matters!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I cannot find language of sufficient energy to convey my sense of the sacredness of private integrity!”

US president Eisenhower stated, “The supreme quality of leadership is unquestionably integrity.”

Ronald Reagan said he was proud to be called a P.I.G.! To him it meant …. Persistence… Integrity… Guts! 

Oprah Winfrey has expressed what many others have tried to say to explain integrity. It is that real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody is going to know whether you did it or not! 

Everywhere in our culture integrity is viewed as a supreme quality. Maslow put it at the very top of his hierarchy of needs pyramid. Much has been written about the idea of integrity and the above are just a few of myriads of examples. 

What is integrity anyway? You might think it is easy to define but in reality it is a little more complicated than we might think. We use the term in various ways. There is for example a self integrated kind of integrity. This involves keeping ourselves intact and being harmonious in a prioritized system of values and desires. In this scenario we define our own kind of integrity and seek to live consistently with it in every area of our life. 

We also speak of integrity in terms of remaining true to a commitment. This commitment might be to promises, to people or institutions, to ideals or principles, or projects. If a person remains consistently supportive of a particular athletic team whether it is winning or losing, we say such a person has integrity. A person whose word is good has integrity. Someone has said that it is better to have an enemy who keeps his word than a friend who does not!

Some like Cheshire Calhoun describe integrity as a social issue. Here integrity consists of being true to one’s community. Therefore a terrorist or any kind of fanatic has integrity because he or she lives passionately for his community, maybe even to the point of being willing to give his life for his community. There is no moral code as such in play here. 

Perhaps the most common understanding of integrity involves morality. Elizabeth Ashford calls this objective integrity. A person with integrity is one who shares our moral values. A question I would raise here is this: Who defines moral values? On what are they based? Can they change with time? 

The word “integrity” has Latin roots. The word speaks of wholeness or completeness. Other dictionary definitions declare integrity to involve a firm adherence to a code of moral values, an unimpaired condition or purity. 

I enjoy theories but basically I am a practitioner. I like to get to the basics. 

So, can we talk about integrity in very simple terms? I think so. 

Let me make it a little simpler! The definition I like most is that we have integrity when what we THINK… SAY… and DO are aligned into wholeness.

The closer these 3 qualities line up with each other, the more integrity we possess. If these 3 circles are not superimposed one over the other we do not have integrity. The farther apart they are the less we are practicing integrity. 

Want to do a little inventory of your life and see what kind of integrity you have? Look at this list of some common virtues. Think about your life. In each of these areas is what you THINK, the same as what you SAY? And, do these 2 also line up with what you DO? The more you are able to answer, “Yes!” , the more you can be certain that you are practicing integrity!

Honesty.

Courage. 

Fairness. 

Sensitivity. 

Humility. 

Adaptability.

Communicativeness. 

If you are concerned about being more “whole” or if you would like to develop a more complete lifestyle of integrity, give me a call or send me an email at rick@icarecoaching.com. I would love to talk with you! 

Dr. Rick Penner

Copyright, 2007

www.icarecoaching.com 

It's all about RELATIONSHIPS!

        It's not WHAT you know it is WHO you know!

        You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!

All these familiar sayings talk about the need we as humans have to be in relationship or community with one another.  Here are a few lighthearted statements about relationships that may bring a smile to your face.

The comedian Rodney Dangerfield known as the guy who "can't get no respect!" said, "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.  He said I was being ridiculous-- everyone has not met me yet!"

An adaptation of the Serenity Prayer: ---  God grant me the senility to forget the people I never like anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

This one may have a lot of truth to it:--- The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue! 

DEFINING  RELATIONSHIP

So what is a relationship anyway?  Some synonyms that come to mind are association, affiliation, connecting, friendship, interaction, and community.  Relationships have many levels.  This past week I went to the post office to mail some things.  While standing in line for perhaps at most 10 minutes I learned a great deal from the man standing immediately behind me.  In those few minutes I learned about the places he has lived, his church affiliation, his family issues, his environmental concerns, and his short term travel plans.  Did we have a relationship?  Well sort of!  We connected at some level.  Virtual communities on the internet claim to have great relationships while they maintain anonymity with each other.  I can really not grasp that concept but it appears to be true.

BASIC INGREDIENTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

One of the things relationships do is build trust.  Trust is a fundamental concept to building an enduring relationship.  The most profound trust exists in a marriage relationship and when that trust is destroyed a marriage relationship is sorely tested.   To a lesser degree however, trust needs to be part of even more casual relationship too.  For example, if someone you know recommends a certain type of car, it has greater impact than if a car salesman recommends a certain type of car.  You are not sure whether you can trust the salesman.  You do not know him or her and you assume they have an ulterior motive--- to sell you a car.  Simply put, you have little or no trust in the salesman.   If someone you know recommends a car however, you tend to take his or her word for it.  You trust their judgment, you have learned  (hopefully) that what they say can be trusted.  If not, you do not have much of a relationship.

It is the same way when seeking to find a new position.  A good recommendation from a trusted friend is infinitely better than dozens of generic references from total strangers.  That is why we say it is not so much what you know as who you know that counts!

RELATIONSHIP DESTROYERS

Relationships can be fragile!  In my view the greatest threat to a relationship is CONTEMPT!  Contempt at its root is the idea that I am somewhat better than you are.  It is incredibly prevalent and we are often not really aware that we feel contempt towards another.  Here are a few examples:

-Do you remember the last time you stood in a check out line at the grocery store?  Let us say that the person ahead of you was grossly overweight.  Did you find yourself looking at this person's grocery selections?  Did you find yourself thinking smugly to yourself--- No wonder!  Just look at what he or she is buying!  I know better than to buy all those unhealthy products!  This is contempt!

-Pretend you are still at the check out counter.  You are in a hurry and have only 2 or 3 items to purchase.  The person ahead of you fills the check out conveyor belt.  Finally, all the items are processed and it is your turn. -- No, it is not.  The person ahead of you now fumbles through her purse looking for her check book or credit card.  Then her cell phone rings and she answers it.  What are you thinking by now?  That is contempt!  You are thinking to yourself--- Why is she not better organized?  Could she not have anticipated that she would need to pay for her groceries?  Why did she have to answer that phone when I am waiting?  This too is contempt!

-Imagine that you hear the news that a neighbor lost his job.   What are you thinking?  Perhaps you think to yourself--- No wonder!  How can someone who is habitually tardy or absent from a job expect to keep it for long.  I know that.  I am not surprised!  I show up for work on time.  I am better than he.  This is contempt!

-Think about your driving habits.  When the motorist in front of you changes lanes abruptly without signaling their intentions, what are you thinking?  Yes, of course,-- this is also contempt!

At a conference for therapists I heard the statement that over 90% of all marriages will fail when one spouse feels contempt for the other.   The presence of contempt is THE single most destructive agent in relationships.

A great way to live is to become aware of our tendency to be contemptuous.  The Bible admonishes us not to think of ourselves more highly than we ought to think and further states that we should do some sober appraising of how we view ourselves.

We often glibly quote the axiom-- "There but for the grace of God go I!  I suspect that we do not always really believe that.  A more accurate version might be---"How could he be so stupid!  Surely I would never do that!"

HOW AM I IN RELATIONSHIPS?

I am am convinced that this axiom in fact is very true.  We need to realize that given the right circumstances we too are capable of making the most stupid decisions possible.  Until we truly believe that, we are vulnerable to fall big time.  I challenge you to think very carefully about this idea.  Until you truly acknowledge your own weaknesses and tendencies to make crazy choices, you are a contemptuous person.

Want to enjoy strong and happy relationships?  Make sure you never show contempt for another person.  If you do, that person will sense it.  He will not trust you.  She will not confide in you.  The other person will say what he or she thinks you want to hear.  Integrity and transparency will have left the relationship.

Want to talk more about relationships?  Contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com  I would love to hear from you.

Rick Penner

Know Thyself!

Carved into the forecourt of the temple of Apollo in Delphi are the Greek words translated into English as -- "Know Thyself."  Here is a picture of the same aphorism in a modern European building.

It is disputed as to who is the author of this truism.  Some attribute the words to Socrates, others to Pythagoras.  Some ascribe lofty meaninds while most suggest that what was intended was simply to declare that we must know our habits, morals, temperament, ability to handle emotions, our talents and skills, our shortcomings, and a host of other issues in life with which we deal constantly.

The challenge to "Know Thyself" inspired both Ralph Waldo Emerson and Alexander Pope to pen poetry, is used as the motto for a liberal arts college in upstate New York ,and even found its way into the movie, The Matrix.

Many scholars, sages, political figures and philosophers have expressed themselves on the idea of "Know Thyself." Here are a few samples.

*  Thoreau said it is as hard to see one's self as to look backwards without turning around!

 

*  The first principle is that you must not fool yourself--- and you are the easiest person to fool.  Richard Feynman

 

*  There is more hope for a fool than there is for a man wise in his own eyes.  Book of Proverbs, author Solomon

*  Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.  Judy Garland

 

*  So long as you are praised think only that you are not yet on your own path but on that of another.  Nietzsche

 

*  Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.  Carl Jung

 

*  The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.  Wm Shakespeare

 

*  If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed.  Kate Halverson

 

*  You grow up the day you have your first real laugh--- at yourself!   Ethel Barrymore

 

*  No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  Eleanor Roosevelt

 

*  Blessed are they who heal you of self despisings.  Of all services which can be done to man, I know of none more precious.  William Hale White

 

*  No bird soars too high if he soars on his own wings.  William Blake

 

These statements show that there is a balance we must find.  On the one hand some of us loathe ourselves at worst or at best, look down on ourselves and keep wishing we were someone else.  But on the otherhand are those who think more highly of themselves than they ought to think.  Such an attitude will not win popularity contests for ourselves either.   Someone said that he who is in love with himself will have no rivals.  It is balance we need here!  

One of the most basic features of life coaching is to assist persons to know themselves and to know contentment in so doing.  Coaching is not about trying to make a person into someone he or she was never intended to be.  It is rather designed to help a man or woman know him or herself and then to help that person live up to the fullest potential of who they are.  Coaching helps people accomplish their own goals.  It does not impose someone else's goals upon them.  Coaching encourages and motivates people upward to achieve their fullest potential.

How incredibly liberating it is when we learn to know who we are and cease trying to emulate someone else.  We spend a lot of time chasing after the looks, styles, and skills of others.  We emulate other musicians, athletes, preachers, executives, and so on.  How foolish!  A friend who followed a respected leader was reminded that he had "big shoes" to fill.  He replied, "His shoes won't fit me.  I have my own shoes!"  That is knowing yourself.

If you want to learn more about who you are, what makes you tick, and what makes you want to get up in the morning and face the world, -- then give me a call!  That is what coaches help people to do.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this newsletter.  If someone comes to mind who you feel might enjoy it also, please feel free to forward it.

Rick Penner

Copyright, 2007

learn more about our services at www.icarecoaching.com

Hurry Sickness

Since the 1970's, the words "burnout" and "stress" have become important parts of our vocabulary.  People like Freudenberger and Maslach have researched and written on the topic and have identified various causes of burnout and stress in our lives.  The MBI (Maslach Burnout Inventory) lists 6 burnout causes.  It may perhaps surprise you that working too much is only one of the causes for burnout.  I have often said that there is a difference between being tired IN work and being tired OF work.  It is the latter that is a much greater cause of burnout.  A work environment that does not match our skill set, our passions or values, or one where we feel we have no control, or that do not offer us sufficient reward--- all these contribute to burnout.  Burnout is exhaustion and diminished interest.

In this article I wish to comment a little about the impact of technology as it relates to stress.  We have reached a point where for many people, technology tends to make it so that we never unplug from our jobs.  You know the experience!  You are enjoying a nice lunch or dinner and your friend's cell phone rings.  With a shrug he or she says, "I am sorry, but I really need to take this call!  I hope you don't mind."  You sit there for 15 minutes while your dinner partner discusses details about his or her work.  Sometimes I have felt like saying, "If you want to conduct your business then go ahead.  I'm leaving!"   Immersing the phone in the water glass has also crossed my mind.  The same thing happens on the golf course!  It irritates me.

Technology has done strange things to us.  It has not really made us overloaded with work, but it surely has created a kind of "work-home, work-socializing, work-play" kind of interference.  This interference is very destructive.  Our leisure is intermittent.  Therefore we tend to think we work more these days.  Statistics show that this is not really the case but it seems that way.  We are never unplugged from our work. Leisure time is not really dedicated leisure time.  It lasts only as long as it takes for us to allow technology to interrupt us.

Another phenomenon about work and technology is that when we are forced to slow down we go crazy.  I am talking here about the idea of "gridlock".  I am not using the term as it is used in politics but to describe our strange behavior when we are forced to slow down.  Let me illustrate:

-You race through traffic to get to the airport.  Then you stand in endless lines to check in, clear security, etc.  It drives us crazy.

-You are put on hold when making a phone call.  60 seconds seem like hours. You endure countless mechanical options.  Then your call is cut off by an incompetent person or a malfunctioning machine and you have to start the whole process again.

-Your computer freezes up or is slow to connect to a website or internet connection.  Such computer glitches make our blood boil.  The whole matter is usually only a matter of seconds but we pound our desks, utter profanity, kick the dog, (or whoever or whatever is nearby), and so on.

Do you have any symptoms of 'hurry sickness"?  One of the ways I help people in life coaching is to work with them on what I call a "balance wheel".  It is a way to see for ourselves just where we spend our time and how we can get our lives in the kind of balance that we desire for stress free (OK, stress diminished) living!  Contact me for details!  I would love to talk with you.

learn more about our services at www.icarecoaching.com

How significant are you?

Is your life significant?  Are you making a contribution to this world?  How will you be remembered 100 years from now?  What are your values as far as significance is concerned?  What is significance anyway?  By whose definition?

 I admit that I think about such questions from time to time and over the years my convictions have changed substantially.  I often think of a friend of mine when I consider these questions.   He was a pastor for probably 45 years at least.  Years ago I recall a denominational leader saying to me about this pastor-- "Well, you know, Thomas (not his real name), is really a 2 cylinder kind of guy.  He has no horsepower."  Even then, I was angry with that assessment.  I knew Thomas quite well.  It is true, he pastored a church in a little town.   Neither the town nor the church really grew much from year to year.  He had always pastored those kinds of churches.  But in my eyes Thomas was a great pastor.  He was as steady as the Rock of Gibralter.  He delivered on his promises.  I could count on his word to be true.  He rarely ruffled feathers but neither did he create stormy conflicts. 

 One day at a retreat for pastors, Thomas and his wife told the story of how they had served a church during the turbulent 60's near San Francisco. Thomas talked about coming to his office in the morning and often finding hippies sleeping on the church lawn sleeping off hangovers.  He stopped to talk to them and bought coffee for them.  Almost all the pastoral couples at that retreat were much younger than Thomas and his wife.  They sat with renewed respect and awe as Thomas told story after story about how people were positively impacted by his gentle, quiet, caring touch.  Thomas became a hero and a role model to the other pastors that day.  For years afterwards, people talked about that special evening we all shared together.

 Over the years I lost track of  Thomas and his wife but in the past few years we reconnected again.  A few months ago Thomas died.  If ever a person of faith were to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant!", I am sure they applied to Thomas.  That is what he was all his life--- Faithful!

 Since Thomas has died I have again wondered about this matter of significance.  How do we measure it?   All I can think of are the words, "It is required of a steward that he be found faithful!  I think of the parables of the men to whom a stewardship was given.  The one who buried it and did nothing was condemned.  The other two, although the return on the exercise of their stewardship varied greatly, were both given identical words of commendation by their master.  So my conclusion of the matter is this-- Faithfulness in what you do with what you have been given---------- that  is the bottom line.  If the assessment that my friend Thomas was a "2 cylinder" kind of person was accurate, well then,--- the measure of his significance is about his degree of faithfulness to those 2 cylinders!

 I believe we use a false measuring stick to determine how significant we are.  As young adults we want to prove ourselves to our company or to our family.  We are filled with zeal and enthusiasm.  Perhaps we want to prove something to ourselves!  We worship at the altar of hard work and sacrifice and sometimes sell our souls for a promotion or advancement in the company.  In so doing we often sell something else-- our influence on our family for instance.  We may also sell our own dignity and sense of identity.

 Then what happens?  Our company is taken over by another and suddenly we are not needed!  If we are extremely fortunate,( and rare in this day), we might even make it for 30 years or so with the same firm.  Then we are given a watch and perhaps a plaque to hang on the wall telling how much our services were appreciated.  Very soon another aspiring and ambitious employee is enthusiastically ensconced at the desk we once worked from, and no one even remembers our name.  Just how significant do we feel now?

 Significance is not about bank accounts, academic success, titles, amount of accrued pensions and retirement funds, size of house, golf scores, etc etc.  It is about faithfulness!  Knowing you have done your best each day with what you had to work with is a great way to live. Do not look at the way society measures significance!  It is often a false measuring device.  Fame, wealth, name recognition ,etc.,  are good for the ego and you may be led to believe you are loved and valued.  Truth is,  more often than not, people will use you and your assets to forward their own agendas and purposes.  This is not a real measurement of significance.  Living each day knowing that you have given it your best shot-- that's the way to live!  You will sleep well at night!

learn more about our services at www.icarecoaching.com

The Paralysis of Fear

 I recently spent a few days with a friend whom I had not seen in about 15 years.  It was a wonderful reunion.  One of our topics of discussion was the matter of retirement and transitioning.  My friend has worked for years as an ophthalmologist and now is looking for new ways to feel productive and useful in his retirement.  Many people face new challenges and transitions.  It seems sometimes like change and transitions are an integral part of life in the early 21st century.   There is understandably great fear and apprehension as people face an uncertain future.

 Fear is a profound emotion.  It can paralyze.  It is easy to suggest that a person in such circumstances ought to be trusting and confident and thereby overcome the terror of fear!  But life is not always so easy.

 In the early summer season in North America, where the terrain is mountainous, there is danger of flooding as snow melts on mountains miles away.  In other regions floods can rise when summer rains descend on earth.   As you read this, please picture a raging river.  When we lived in Arizona I was amused to see signs that warned of flash floods.  In the desert?  Sure!  Was I in a for a surprise when the winter rains hit.  In no time at all a dry wash became a raging torrent of water.  Invincible 4X4 drivers seemed the most likely candidates to lose their vehicles to fast flowing waters.  Those signs, I found out, were put there for a reason.  Maybe a raging river can form a metaphor for you as you look at rivers you must cross in your life!

 How can you prevent the waves of fear and anxiety in life from overwhelming and paralyzing you?

 There is a great story in ancient Jewish history of Jewish people in the time of Joshua, crossing a river.  They were assured by their God that when the feet of the priests touched the water's edge that it would result in dry ground before them.  They did not know until they tested the waters.

 It seems to me we have a great lesson here!  We note a great picture of human responsibility coupled with an unwavering trust in God.  It is hard to strike a balance here.  Sometimes we feel we ought to do nothing and simply wait for God to act.  "Let go and let God" is how we put it.  Others of us rely largely or exclusively on human effort.  We grit our teeth and plunge ahead.  If we pray at all, it is essentially to ask God to agree with what we have already decided to do.

 Joshua and his multitudes paint a well-balanced picture.  The river did not dry up until the priests set their feet in the water.  Can you imagine what a scene this must have been?  Can you imagine the fear and hesitancy of the priests?  Or, do you suppose they boldly marched toward the river, completely confident that the moment their feet got wet, the river would suddenly miraculously cease to flow?  I presume there might have been some of each of these reactions.

 Are you fearful of the future?  Fearful of decisions you must make?  Fearful of your health?  Fearful of wars and unrest around the world?  Fearful of ............?  There are hosts of reasons to be fearful.  The picture of a raging river that suddenly ceases to flow and causes huge pileups of water upstream is an amazing scene.  It represents to me how we ought to live.  We must begin with a strong confidence in God.  We need to remind ourselves that He loves us unconditionally.  Perfect love casts out fear, says the Scripture.  If we count on the truth that God loves us unconditionally our fears diminish.  This does not mean we have no responsibility whatever.  We must move in obedience and get our feet wet!  Herein is the secret.

 What fears are you facing today?  If you allow fear to paralyze you it probably will.  If you act to do what you know you ought to do, your fears will be conquered. Take that first step!  Step into the water!

learn more about our services at www.icarecoaching.com

How to talk to people

Kind of obvious isn't it?  You know--- the common courtesies, and all!  Well, maybe not.

I recently flew from Chicago to Seattle.  I was tired as I had just flown 10 hours from Europe.  My tiredness and discovering that my wife and I were assigned seats in different parts of the aircraft, proved a bad combination.  I was not in a good mood!  I approached the agent at the check in counter and said something like, "I am tired and grumpy!  You probably are not interested in what makes me feel this way but I am wondering why my wife and I cannot sit together on this next flight?"

The lady at the desk surprised me.  She looked me in the eye and said, "I am sorry you feel the way you do.  I will do my very best to help you.  Leave it with me.  This flight is filled to capacity but  I think I can help you out."  Sure enough, I heard my name paged shortly after this and with a smile she handed me two new boarding passes.   She made a few additional comments and wished us both a good flight---seated next to each other no less!

After landing in Seattle I called for a hotel shuttle to pick us up.  I was greeted with a recording and told to wait.  After 5 minutes of  listening to irritating music and advertisements, a live voice came on.  Being even a little more tired by now (it was after 10PM local time and who knows what time according to my body clock) and more irritable, my happy airline experience notwithstanding, I made mention of the fact that I did not enjoy the long wait on hold just to be picked up by the hotel shuttle.  The lady responded with defensiveness and began telling me how busy she was.  I do not particularly doubt what she said was true, but I was really in no mood to hear her excuses.  A simple, "I am sorry we made you wait", would have done wonders for me.

So what can we learn here?  What is the difference between these two little cameos?

All of us want to be treated like human beings.  I am not a number or some statistic.  I have feelings.  I am sometimes happy and sometimes sad or tired.   I want people to treat me with some measure of dignity and respect.  I do not demand my way all the time.  I am a reasonable person and most of us are.  Life is life and sometimes machines break down, the phone rings off the hook, traffic is heavy,--- stuff happens!  I can understand that.  But please, treat me as a human.  Listen to me!  Hear my story before you shoot back with your excuses.

To me this seems like a no brainer but apparently it is not.  In our technological age we are losing the personal touch.  I think this is unfortunate.  There is nothing like a friendly greeting from your local banker when I do my banking business.  No ATM can do this for us.  Somewhere I have a book with a chapter entitled, High Tech, High Touch!.  That is what I am talking about.  I have a name.  I resent being treated as though I were a number or a statistic only.

When we do talk to one another we ought to really listen.  It takes so little effort to be empathetic and understanding, and the rewards are enormous.  Pause before you answer.  Really listen when the other person is speaking instead of formulating in your mind what you will say in response.  Sometimes it can be helpful to repeat what the other person has just said.  He or she will be impressed and feel validated.  This one tip alone can revolutionize how we relate to one another.  I have found myself guilty often, of hoping the other person will stop talking so I can give him my wisdom and insights to the situation.  I am not really listening to him or her, just waiting for an opening so I can talk.  How selfish and rude that is! 

It does wonders to us when we feel we are truly being heard.

Here's to happy communicating!!!

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