The Devil is in the details!
(Read the Fine Print!)

So where does this expression come from? Apparently it started out as "God is in the details!" We could say these expressions reflect opposite results of the same phenomena. If God is in the details then we think of opportunities for creativity and growth that result from exploring the details about something. If the devil is in the details, the suggestion is that details of a project can result in failure and ruin.

Today, we tend to hear more often that the devil is in the details. Ludwig Mies van der Rohe (1886-1969) is alleged by some to have coined the phrase. Certainly he is one who often quoted it. Mies was an architect. Another architect sometimes regarded as the "inventor" of the phrase is Le Corbusier. These two, along with Frank Lloyd Wright, are known as the paternal triumverate of 20th Century architecture, and it is easy to see that an architect would see the value of details. One of the sayings of Mies that I enjoy particularly is "Architecture starts when you carefully put two bricks together." There it begins. I suppose the emphasis for Mies would be on "carefully."


"The devil is in the details" can be understood in various ways:

1. Even the grandest project depends on the success of its smallest component.
2. Even the smallest details can cause failure.
3. However well intentioned a project or idea, bad and unexpected things will inevitably come up that will destroy the original idea.
4. Whatever we do should be done thoroughly. Details are important.
5. Solutions break down when they are examined closely.
6. The hard part of what we do is in the many small details.
7. Overlooking small things now will cause problems later on.

All are really variations of the same theme. My purpose today is to make the point that details are critical to our success. Ignoring, glossing over, or minimizing details can cost us dearly in the end. Recently a friend of mine had problems with his car. He took it to a dealer's service department and was given the bad news that he would need either a head gasket repair or an entirely new engine. He wisely took his car to another shop. There the technician discovered that the spark plugs were still the original ones and that style in particular was hard to remove and was thoroughly fouled up. New spark plugs took care of the problem. Small details? Sure! In this case finding the details saved my friend thousands of dollars.


In industry, in politics, and in every area of life, details can kill us. Politicians campaign in lofty, convincing, and glowing language about the changes they will bring. Does anyone stop to ask for the details? Not usually. Legislators pass bills that they assume their staff have read but that they personally know little about. Credit card companies try to entice us with attractive offers that appeal to the unsuspecting. The fine print often reveals extremely high interest rates that become effective 6 months or a year AFTER the person has acquired the card. I found the internet filled with dozens of articles and blogs about the "devil is in the details." Topics range from environmental and climate issues, anti-virus technology, the building of sports complexes and who pays for them, economic issues, and on and on.


What about your business or career? Are you being hurt because details are ignored? Do you have someone with a sharp eye and sharp pencil who goes over the fine print for you or with you? Is your staff free to ask questions or raise concerns?

Some ideas that I find helpful are:

1. Make sure your work "culture" allows for free and easy exchange of information. There are workplace environments where the staff does not dare to raise questions or express opinions. We all have blind spots. Visionaries, take-charge leaders, and entrepreneurs often overlook or regard as irritants, these small details of a project. You need someone who knows how to ask questions and who has the freedom to do so. Such people, while they may seem to slow down our progress and appear to be negative minded, can really be worth their weight in gold. The LIFO® Survey instrument which I often use, is especially adept at discovering whether these dynamics are present on a staff or board. It is not natural for certain types of leaders to seek out the counsel of those we sometimes call the "bean counters," but not to do so is to invite peril and potential loss.

2. It is not enough to highlight a new business plan, a new vision, or a resolution for the new year for that matter, by articulating a few "bullet" statements in a memo. Without details your vision will result in confusion. You need a script. You will need to provide a setting for your staff to hear your ideas and to interact with them, ask questions, challenge them, and thus come to own them as you do.

3. Take a look at job descriptions. Are the roles clearly defined? Do the people know to whom they are to report? As conditions change, are job descriptions and policies changed to fit the new paradigms? I find sometimes in working with groups that there are many assumptions and expectations that are not supported by documentation. This will ultimately lead to problems

4. Always read the fine print! In the computer world, we are getting accustomed to simply hitting the "I agree to the terms and conditions" icon without ever reading what the terms and conditions are. What exactly are you agreeing to?

I think this statement by the late Edward R Murrow applies to what I am writing about.
"The newest computer can merely compound, at speed, the oldest problem in the relations between human beings, and in the end the communicator will be confronted with the old problem of what to say and how to say it."

Another saying that may be even more to the point is the line often quoted by former President Ronald Reagan. In regard to matters like nuclear disarmament and honoring of international treaties he insisted that, we should "trust but verify!"

Have you "been burned" by ignoring the fine print? Perhaps you are about to be hurt that way. Did you move quickly to a new project or venture before all the details were really known to you? Want to talk about it? You can reach me at rick@icarecoaching.com or you can use the contact part of my website.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright January 2009

Got worries? Anxious about anything?

Is the sky blue? ----- Of course we worry!

In recent months there has been great cause for worry. Pensions are shrinking. Jobs are disappearing. Real estate values are declining. The problem is not isolated; it exists in most of the economically developed world today.

So what is a person to do about worry, anxiety, stress and uncertainty? Somehow a flippant, "Don't worry, it will all work out!" just does not seem to cut it.


Let me offer some suggestions that work for me. First, let's define worry. The dictionary says worry is an emotion of concern or anxiety about a real or perceived issue. It can be personal and involve health, finances, job situations, relationships, change and so on. It can also be corporate and involve the fear of wars, collapsed economies, or environmental threats.


We need to bear in mind that some worry is positive and good. Worry can help us avoid risky behaviour. A fear of developing lung cancer can help a person stop or never start smoking cigarettes. Worry also forces people to take precautions. Buying life insurance or properly insuring one's possessions is a good by-product of worry about loss of life or property.

Worry is a problem when it becomes chronic or toxic. It is believed that one in four persons have chronic kinds of worry issues. This type of worry can lead to physical ailments like ulcers, high blood pressure, asthma, and skin disorders. It can also result in a host of emotional and psychological or behavioral problems like excessive drinking, withdrawal and depression.

Here are some light-hearted as well as more thoughtful ideas on worry by a variety of people in the past:

"I’ve seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true."
Mark Twain

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
William R. Inge

"What were you worried about this time last year?
Can't remember?"

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
Charles Schultz

Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind.
If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.

Do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.
Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.
Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,
yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.
But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you?
You of little faith! -- Jesus

Consider the following recommendations to minimize debilitating worry.

1. Make a plan. You cannot wring your hands and roll up your sleeves simultaneously. Talk to people. Research things on the internet. When everything looks hopeless it is great to take pen and paper (or PDA) and begin to list steps and solutions. They do exist. Just last week I met with a man who saw no way out of a financial crisis because his job was terminated. After some discussion he discovered four possible steps he could take that would help him. Even I was surprised. I once worked with a man who had terrible personal debt. He was already elderly so his earning days were short. By following a carefully worked out plan he was debt free in 3 years. It was painful at times but it was incredibly rewarding and freeing for him as well as for his family. I recall very clearly the day he reported to me that his debts had vanished. He was ecstatic. His life was hopeless and self defeating until he developed a plan. Someone once said that action is worry's worst enemy!



2. Do the obvious. Eating properly, getting sleep, and exercising, are all very important to maintain a proper perspective about life.

3. Maintain contact with other people. It is easy to withdraw and become reclusive. Do not do that. Human contact is tremendously therapeutic. A pat on the back, or better yet, a hug is very important. Never worry alone. Talk things over with others. Men especially, have a tendency to "Zip up" and not admit their fears and worries. You will be surprised how helpful it is to verbalize your fears to someone else. My elderly friend who got out of debt with a plan, would not have succeeded without the help of caring friends. His situation was so serious that he agreed to have a friend co sign every check he ever wrote just to make sure he would not become irresponsible in spending money. This is an extreme example but in this instance the situation was serious.


4. Get the facts. A lot of worry is imagined. Much of what we worry about never happens. The storms are not nearly as bad as we expect. I have found it quite informative to study the history of prior economic downturns, recessions, and depressions. We all know about the crash of 1929. Learn about earlier banking crises in 1893 for example. How were they resolved? Learning the history of modern banking is fascinating and provides perspective.

5. Change the scenery. Sometimes dropping everything and playing a round of golf, taking a walk, splitting wood, or jogging, can clear the mind and bring things into perspective and focus.

6. Help someone else. I can assure you that it is always possible to find someone in as bad or worse conditions than the ones you live in. There are people around who deeply and genuinely hurt. Buy them a lunch or take them some groceries. Share an activity with them. Your worries will diminish.

7. Get perspective. Resign as general manager of the universe! Take care of the things you must take care of and let others take care of the rest. I like the Serenity Prayer used in 12 step groups for this reason.

8. Consider a spirtual dimension to your life. Consider the words of Jesus I quoted above. This approach to life was helpful to Henry Ford who said, "I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about?"

It is not my intent to trivialize very serious concerns and fears that you may have. You may wish to see a physician if you are experiencing physical ailments or difficulties. Please do so! For many people, worry is not destroying health but it is robbing them of enjoying life.

Want to talk more? I would love to hear from you. I can be reached by email at rick@icarecoaching.com or you can use the contact part of my website.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright, December, 2008

Liar, Liar pants on fire!!!

Just where this line (the rest of it continues, "hang them up on telephone wires") comes from is not known. Most probably some parent used the line to impress on a youngster the importance of telling the truth! Gordon Korman subsequently wrote a children's book using the lines for his title.

I want to share some thoughts with you today about truth, truth telling, lies, and trust. I believe it is very basic to competent functioning in business, in social relationships, in families-- and in every other relationship in which we find ourselves.

Famous people have said interesting things about the subject. Here are some samples:

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth. Henry David Thoreau

This above all, to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. William Shakespeare

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children. Oliver Wendell Holmes

To be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved. George Macdonald

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. Winston Churchill

A lie has journeyed half way around the world, before truth has put its pants on. Winston Churchill

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain

Truth is not only violated by falsehood. It may be outraged by silence. Henri-Frederic Amiel

Lying is an unavoidable part of human nature. Source unknown


So, how does all this work for you or me in everyday life?

What is a lie anyway? One definition suggests it is a statement which is untrue and which is designed to deceive, avoid punishment, or protect someone's feelings. There are many kinds of lies. A bold-faced lie is a statement that obviously is untrue. Everyone knows it. A white lie, on the otherhand, is a small lie that many feel is justified by circumstances and is harmless. Perjury is a lie in a legal context when a person is under oath to speak the truth. This kind of lying is generally considered very serious. Lies to children are quite acceptable. These have to do with storks, Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, and so on. Lies can also be statements we simply omit to make. They are kind of half truths (or half lies). What we say is not untrue but there is more to the story than we wish to reveal. This too is deception. Other synonyms for lying include "bluffing", "misleading", and "exagerrating". In times of war lying is common. Machiavelli advised the Prince, "Never attempt to win by force what can be won by fraud!"

For our purposes here, I want to raise two issues about lies and truth telling.


The first has to do with lying and trust. Trust is a foundation for good relationships. Lying breaks trust. If I am not sure your word is good, or if what you say can be relied upon, I will hold you at a distance. I will evaluate carefully. I may take you seriously, or I may not. I will never be quite sure how to regard what you say to me. It used to be that a man's word was all that was needed to seal a deal. Years ago I once borrowed over $100,000 from a friend to build a house. We just shook hands. Yes, I paid it back; with interest even. Lawyers today would say that was really foolish and very risky. Our society is about protecting ourselves from unscrupulous and lying people. I really was struck by Macdonald's statement above that to be trusted is a greater complement than to be loved. Do people trust me? Do they trust you? Building and maintaining trust is a huge issue in life and tragic is the situation where trust does not exist or where it has been broken by a lie.


The second concept about lying I wish to raise concerns the matter of withholding truth. How much ought we to say to people? In medicine for example, should a physician tell all to a patient diagnosed with fatal cancer or Alzheimer's disease? In a survey taken in 1961, only 10% of medical doctors agreed that a patient should be told the details of a fatal disease. By 1979 the number jumped dramatically to 97%. Surveys and studies have shown that persons facing a life ending prognosis prefer to be told the truth about their condition. Shakespeare wrote that the miserable have no other medicine; but only hope! How does one balance telling the truth with offering hope? It is a difficult challenge.

I see this dilemma manifesting itself in other ways in society. We are very careful not to judge others (at least not to their faces- to others we condemn and judge all the time). Destructive life styles and practices, bad eating patterns, habits, etc., go unchallenged for fear of offending or hurting others. It is a little like the story of two fishermen fishing from their boat near a bridge. As they sat for hours (the fish were not biting evidently just as happens when I fish), they noticed that pieces were breaking loose from the bridge as vehicles rumbled over it. Whenever a large truck crossed the bridge, even larger pieces fell into the river below. One day an entire span fell to the water. One fisherman said to the other, "What should we do?" The other replied, "Lets build a hospital!" Would not running to the road, waving the arms and issuing a warning to motorists have been more appropriate? I think so.


What I am touching on here is really an aspect of accountability. It is about being our brother's keepers. The more men and women rise in their careers, the less likely it is that they will have people in their circle who will tell them the truth. I am someone who has been there and I am convinced I know what I am writing about. I would urge you to find a peer you can trust, and begin slowly to "let your hair down" about your life, your thoughts, your goals, your concerns, your fears, your temptations, your failures, and so on. This is risky and dangerous business. Not doing so could be more dangerous and riskier still! Look carefully before you confide in someone. But when you do you will be tremendously rewarded. My guess is that when you find the courage to broach this subject with someone, that person will say that he or she too, has been hoping to find someone to relate to on this level. You will not feel so alone anymore. You will know there is someone whom you can call for advice or encouragement and counsel.

Want to talk about it? Need help in finding a person to develop accountability? Want to discuss your fears about doing so? I would be delighted to hear from you. I can be reached by email at rick@icarecoaching.com or you can use the contact part of my website.

Dr. Rick Penner
Copyright, November, 2008

WHO YOU ARE IS WHAT THEY GET

Ever feel inadequate or ill-equipped to handle difficult situations? Do you wish you had more training or skills to deal with personnel, with conflict, with strategic planning, or with crises?

We all do at times!

Let me encourage you today and help you see that you probably possess more skills and experience than you may think as you wrestle with the challenges that come along your way each day.

When I was in graduate school years ago I worked with a pastor/therapist friend. He often said to me that I would be capable of working with 60% of his clients even though I was young, relatively untrained, and unsure of myself. His theory was that people whose lives are basically "together" already have a huge advantage over those who do not. Now this is not to disparage professional counselors and therapists. I currently chair the board that oversees a counseling center employing more than a dozen professionally trained therapists. Their training is extremely important and should never be minimized. It is saying however, that we tend to overestimate the place of formal training and downplay what one person can bring to another simply by listening, showing empathy, and on occasion even offering helpful advice.

This is the principle I have in mind today. I conduct seminars for people in Human Resources and care-giving kinds of work. We often tell them that who they are is what people will get. Also, in conflict management seminars I tell people that one of the most important assets a conflict mediator or manager brings to a stressful situation is who he or she really is. I am all for training and for professional development. Take advantage of worthwhile venues to sharpen your skills and enhance your knowledge. But, at the same time, do not sell yourself short. Here are a few basics that can be powerful as we deal with one another.

1. Integrity. Be a straight shooter! What would people say about you in this area? Can your word be trusted? Do you keep confidences? Do you say the same thing from day to day or do your stories change depending on the audience you are speaking to? Are you guided by a core value that values truth? Do people know where you stand on issues?

2. Serenity. Calm in the midst of a storm is powerful. Remember the quaint story about the young boy on a turbulent flight? When asked why he remained so calm when the aircraft he was in, was bouncing and shaking in the unstable air, he simply replied, "My father is the pilot!" In a time of conflict or turbulence your own serenity and calmness can be very powerful in reassuring and comforting others. I have often noticed this when relationships are in turmoil. I find it interesting to observe the correlation between heated arguments and hope for resolutions. Each go in opposite directions. As the decibel levels in an argument go up, common sense and sanity tends to diminish. A calming voice can do wonders at such times. Little wonder that Niebuhr's "Serenity Prayer" has been so powerful among the armed forces, in 12 step groups, and so on.

3. Optimism. People in stressful situations or in conflict soon see their situations as hopeless. If left unchecked they will soon despair and see no possibility for a good resolution. You as a third party or even as one of the "combatants" can have a powerful influence if you bring a positive and optimistic spirit. People gravitate towards those who have a cheery, positive view on life. Persons whose cups are always half empty do not inspire or motivate others well. I am not suggesting you live in a dream world or that we should ignore realities. But, one can always find something good to celebrate. A Holocaust survivor was grateful for lice in the concentration camps because it kept the vicious Nazi guards away from their barracks.


4. Grace. A person who is gracious is a tremendous asset in any relationship. To be gracious is to be pleasant, agreeable, courteous, affable, tactful, cordial,sociable, and warm. The opposite of a gracious person is one who is argumentative, opinionated, stubborn, crude, cold, tactless, mean spirited, and obnoxious. All of these words speak for themselves and each connotes a certain kind of picture in our minds when we hear them.


5. Generosity. A friend of mine used to say that he tried to live life with his hands metaphorically open and facing outward. He maintained that if he turned his hands downward as if to represent hoarding and protection, his assets tended to slip through the fingers. I think he was right. There is something incredibly freeing about giving to others. Not only do we improve the lot of those with whom we share our generosity, we also enhance the quality of our own lives and have the satisfaction of knowing that we have not lived selfishly.

The wisdom literature in the Bible touches on many of these concepts. Here is a sample:

Do not let kindness and truth leave you.... Proverbs 3:3
Hatred stirrs up strife, but love covers all transgressions. Proverbs 10:12
There is one who scatters, yet increases all the more, and there is one who withholds what is justly due, but it results only in want. The generous man will be prosperous. Proverbs 11:24-25.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1
A soothing tongue is a tree of life. Proverbs 15:4
A joyful heart makes a cheerful face. Proverbs 15:15
Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. Proverbs 25:11

Do not underestimate yourself! Basic decencies and courtesies and common sense will go a long way in the world in which you live. Be courageous when your instincts tell you it is time to speak up or take action. Trust your intuition more!

Want to chat about this? You can reach me at www.icarecoaching.com. I would be delighted to hear from you. Remember, a life coach does not teach you how to ride a bike but he will run alongside you as you ride yours! I would be honored to run along by your side for a while and perhaps it would help you ride better and faster. Hopefully it will also make the ride more enjoyable!

Dr Rick Penner
Copyright, Oct. 2008

ME, BLIND? I DON'T SEE IT THAT WAY!

What would you think if the product you produce or sell made up 65% of world sales and accounted for over 80% of the profits but in 12 years the same percentages dropped to less than 10% and less than 20% respectively? Impossible you say? No it is not!

This is what happened in the watch making industry. In 1968 Switzerland was synonymous with time keeping. By 1980 this country was “dethroned” because something new had come along --- Seiko!! Switzerland was profoundly competent in the manufacture of gears and mainsprings but almost overnight this became irrelevant because of a new paradigm in the watch industry. The Japanese saw a new opportunity in the electronic quartz watch and while they had less than 1% of the world’s watch market in 1968, the Japanese today account for over 30%.

The United States in the fall of 2008 is in the midst of a national election campaign. One party has nominated a vice presidential candidate who is “out of the box." She comes from Alaska ... about as far from Washington as one can be geographically! This candidate had served as a mayor for some years but her town had less than 10,000 people in it. She is a current governor of her state, but the state has only 600,000 people. The nation had not known much about her previously. For many, she does not into a familiar paradigm and therefore is not qualified.

This article is not meant to be a political statement. I am trying to point out that we all operate in our “boxes” of thinking. We live by paradigms: standards and ideas that are part of these “boxes.”

Consider another example. In my travels in various continents, I have observed that people use different utensils when eating. In America, it seems a fork will do for most meals unless we eat steak and need a sharp knife to cut it or when we need to spread butter or jam on bread. In Canada and in most of Europe, forks are almost always complimented by knives. In certain Asian countries, bare hands are used when eating. Interestingly though, even the use of hands requires the right technique and approach. Some cultures take pride in using only the tips of their fingers. Societies that make use of the fuller hand are considered uncultured and uncouth! How fascinating!


I have found our bondage to certain paradigms true in virtually every area of life. We cannot, or will not even consider other paradigms. In the world of the church it is often said cynically that its 7 last words are.. “We’ve always done it this way before!” Or as someone else said, “come weal or woe, our status is quo!” It is the same in education and in business. I served on the board of governors for a university for some years and was often amazed how academia looks at the world. It was their world and the only world they knew.

Willful blindness, pride, stubbornness, or simply being incapable or unwilling to anticipate new paradigms and realities can be deadly. We must be able to predict the needs of costumers and develop products or services that will fulfill those needs.


So, how about your world? What paradigms are you bound to? What are you missing in life because you have never considered a new paradigm? Some practical suggestions you will find useful are:

1. Deliberately recruit and affirm those who are entrepreneurial and creative in their thinking. We tend to dismiss such folks as impractical dreamers. But paradigm pioneers are almost always outsiders. One example is a young person. He or she does not yet know all the reasons why a new idea is sure to fail. Fred Smith, founder of Federal Express is a perfect contemporary illustration. Thomas Edison, the Wright Brothers, and hosts of others were all persistent dreamers and visionaries. They were ridiculed and dismissed but today we benefit constantly from their discoveries. Woodrow Wilson once said, “I use not only the brains I have, but all that I can borrow!"

2. Find time for “dream” or “vision casting” retreats and get-togethers. Many would consider such activities as a waste of precious time. Yet, out of such vision casting could come new ideas and concepts that will position your business for the future and ensure that you will have products and services as conditions and needs change in our society. Be deliberate about the future and welcome it by preparing for inevitable change. If you wait until you have all the evidence and proof before changing a paradigm, you will likely never change. Be willing to trust intuition as new ideas surface.

3. Broaden your focus from problem solving to anticipation. We often measure managerial skills on the basis of problem solving ability. What about problem avoidance or opportunity identification?

4. Keep an open mind. We resist new paradigms because we are blind. Many exercises have been conducted to show that while our eyes may suggest something new is happening, our brain (experience) overrules our eyes and dismisses new things. Remember the deck of cards experiment? Change the hearts cards to black from red and flash such a deck of cards rapidly in front of your eyes. The eyes may see something different but the brain says, “Hearts are always red. There is nothing unusual about this deck!” Consider these two laughable examples:

“Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if not utterly impossible.” Simon Newcomb, astronomer, 1902.

“There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.” Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Resources that have been helpful to me and from which I gleaned ideas that I have used here is Peter Drucker’s book, Managing in Turbulent Times, and the writings and lectures of futurist Joel Barker.

I conclude with this challenge from Drucker, “Significant competitive advantage lies with those organizations and individuals who anticipate well in turbulent times."

Want to talk more? Contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, September, 2008

ENJOYING CONFLICT??? Are you kidding???

Over the years I have worked with many groups experiencing conflict. I have been called upon to mediate conflict and I have taught seminars and classes on how to understand and resolve conflict. I am certain that I have even caused conflict at times. It seems like TV and other media would have nothing to talk or write about if there was no conflict. It's all we hear about from every corner of the world.

I take what some might regard as a bizarre attitude toward conflict.

I rather enjoy it!

Sound crazy? Hear me out. First, lets define what conflict is. Some definitions you will find in books on the subject go something like, "conflict is discord due to actual or perceived opposition of needs values and interests." A slightly more complex definition states that conflict involves two or more parties with incompatible goals who seek to undermine each other's goal seeking capability.

The one I prefer is much more simple. It simply says that conflict is two or more objects, ideas, goals--- ANYTHING ACTUALLY--- that seek to occupy the same space at the same time. This can be as simple as two drivers who each seek to park their car in the same parking spot at the mall. Or it can be two countries who each seek to occupy the same territory (or control someone's oil pipeline or natural resources).

Competition will produce conflict. Each competitor has a design on the same goal -- winning! Even cooperation can produce conflict because while people can share in a common goal or outcome, they may have very different ideas of how they can reach those goals. This can produce conflict and strife.

So why in the world would someone be crazy enough to welcome conflict and to enjoy it? Here is my rationale. First, conflict is inevitable. It is naïve and folly to think otherwise. Death is the only sure way to avoid conflict. Until death comes therefore, I take the view that we all have to deal with it. We might as well enjoy it. Furthermore, there are many potentially positive elements to conflict:

1. Conflict can enhance communication. I will be more careful about what I say or write when I know that my words could be misunderstood or that they could lead to anger or disappoint by those who hear or read them.

2. Conflict can force us to sharpen our thinking. I will calculate and consider very carefully the merits of my arguments if I know that another may challenge them.

3. Conflict can greatly strengthen relationships. Yes, of course it can also destroy but it has the potential to solidify relationships and friendships. A conflict worked out well will almost always lead to a stronger friendship between the parties in conflict. New agreements and covenants forged will serve the parties well in the future.

4. Conflict can teach us courtesy and respect for others. If we listen to one another we will acknowledge humbly that our way is not necessarily always the only way or even the best way!

The key to conflict is not whether we might encounter it but rather HOW we will choose to deal with it. Some important principles on how to deal well with conflict include:

-recognize conflict in its earliest stages before the "gathering of bullets" stage when each side collects ammunition to bolster an argument or position. Too often people ignore conflict or pretend it does not exist.

-Communicate fairly and listen openly so that the real issues can be brought to the table and all parties are treated respectfully.

-When necessary, utilize the services of a third party or mediator. Such a person can make sure all issues are heard and parties "fight fairly."

-Agree (in writing when appropriate) on the terms and understandings used to resolve the conflict.

-It is not necessary to always have a "win-lose" resolution to conflict. I often speak in terms of percentages. It can be helpful for parties in conflict to indicate what percentage they might be willing to "give" in any given conflict. Issues are often not "black and white" or morally "right or wrong." It can be quite acceptable to agree to mutually give 50% or more in a conflict in order to bring resolution. Good resolution can be achieved when each party shows he or she is willing to "give a little." This can make for happier marriages as well by the way.

-Also, it is good to remember that some cultures consider direct communication between conflicted parties as rude and unacceptable. In such settings a third party may be necessary to lead a more indirect approach. Some cultures resolve conflict by telling stories. As our world becomes increasingly multicultural we need to become more sensitive to the ways in which other cultures handle conflict.

Two of the most basic issues in all conflict are the tensions between relationships and goals. If we behave "shark-like" to achieve our goals and projects at all costs, we may strain relationships with one another. On the other hand, the "teddy bear" approach may salvage relationships but projects may go untouched. In my seminars I administer a test sometimes to help participants see whether they are sharks or teddy bears, OR, turtles who care neither about relationships or goals and simply tuck their heads into a shell, OR owls who wisely, are able to maintain good relationshps while achieving important goals-- a certain "win-win" approach.

There are many conflict stories I could share as I look back. One of the more delightful "conflict experiences" that come to my mind is a fairly recent one. A board of a non-profit was divided over personnel. The "sharks" in the group wanted heads to roll! Wild accusations were made- some not even remotely close to being true. Over the months this board instituted an orderly and objective performance review for its director. As I was certain would be the case, the results were overwhelmingly positive. The "sharks" lost their bite! Today this organization continues to face challenges but the unity and harmony they exhibit is refreshing and heartwarming to observe. Concerns by the "sharks" were heard but relationships were maintained --- a sort of "win-win" situation and a happy conclusion. AND, a much more unified board besides.

Are you frustrated in how you have dealt with conflict in the past? Are you facing some serious or troubling conflicts right now? I welcome your inquiry or questions. I will be glad to talk with you about your conflict management style or your conflict concerns. You can contact me at Rick@icarecoaching.com.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, August, 2008

KNOW COMMUNICATION or NO COMMUNICATION!

Communication has been my life for years! Then again, for whom is communication not important? Unless you are never with other people, you constantly depend on effective communication . Good communication is imperative at work, when you order your dinner at your favorite restaurant, and if you hope to experience happy relationships with friends or family. Even Tom Hanks stranded alone on an island in the movie Castaway, needed desperately to communicate with someone, somehow!


I have just returned from Poland where I spoke at a week long conference. Communication becomes even a greater challenge when an interpreter is needed. As I flew back from this conference I got to thinking more about the business of communicating.

What is communication? Conveying a message and receiving information back with minimal distortion is one way we could describe it. Notice that I am suggesting communication needs to be a cycle. It is not enough to send out signals. They must be received and returned to confirm that the original message was correctly received. It sounds like a very risky proposition and I believe it is. Yet, it is crucial to success in virtually every area of life. A survey conducted by the University of Pittsburgh and its Katz Business School revealed that good communication skills was the number one factor in how managers are selected by businesses. Good communication skills and the ability to get along with people were the main factors in contributing to job success.

Let's examine the communication process and highlight some roadblocks and principles that will help you communicate more effectively.

1. Know your message.

What do you wish to say? What do you want to get across? You must be very clear about what you desire to say. Is it simply about the time to meet for lunch? Is it about terminating an employee who is not performing to standards? Is it about confronting a colleague about a concern? Is it to comfort someone at a time of great loss? Is it to propose marriage to the love of your life? Few things are more frustrating than to listen to someone who is unclear about his or her intentions.


2. Know your channel.


What method of communication will you use? Is screen to screen communication going to work or will face to face be better? Increasingly today, we are relying on text messaging, emails, video conferencing, and emails to communicate. Technology has transformed communication and has introduced new paradigms to the communication process. The cycle of communication today is in hours not in days. We expect almost instant replies and will not tolerate days or even weeks of waiting for responses to our messages as we would have 30 years ago. There are some dangers however with the use of technology. It has limitations. Emails can easily be misunderstood. They cannot capture a facial expression or a squeeze of the hand. Unlike the human voice, an email.cannot capture a tender spirit or a stern warning to the degree that a face to face meeting can. For example, sharing the results of a performance review should never be done via a text message or an email. On the otherhand, giving someone directions to a location can be done very well electronically. Text message users employ many abbreviations and codes. To the unitiated, such use can greatly enhance the liklihood of being misunderstood. Generational differences are important to consider too. Persons nearing retirement generally are not as keen to regard text messaging and other technology as the best way to communicate. People much younger regard it as natural and effective. Do not regard technology as the Godsend in communication! It has limitations. On occasion, travel to make the communication more personal and face to face, can be money well spent.


3. Know your audience.


Are there cultural dynamics you should be aware of? When I work with clients using the LIFO Survey© I sometimes ask them to write hypothetical letters seeking employment to persons who view life through different windows. This helps people realize that different people respond to messages in different ways. Knowing with whom you are communicating will force you to frame your message in different ways and is critical to having your message understood. Some cultures are more direct than others. Some expect a lot of social niceties before "getting down to business". It is possible to strain relationships severely when the culture of our audience is ignored. Some years ago I ignored this principle and almost destroyed a friendship. My office was arranging a trip to an Asian country. Since I did not know my counterpart in that country but did know one of his board members personally, I instructed our office to contact the board member. To me this seemed perfectly natural as I had developed a relationship with this person while my counterpart was unknown to me at that time. The contacts were made and I naively thought all was well. With the help of a friend who had lived in that country for many years we were able to determine why my host was so cool towards me. The reason was simple. I had contacted one of his subordinates instead of him directly. I had committed a cultural faux pas. I was instructed how to remedy the problem in a very indirect way and thus was able to salvage the friendship. Every business has a culture of some sort. Knowing what it is can be a great help to you in effective communication. Do what you can to learn about the environment into which your communication will be delivered.

Communication is risky! You can do at least something about each of the three points I have made above. You may not always be able to learn much about your audience. You cannot be expected to know every cultural nuance or agenda, bias, or issue of the receiver of your communication. You cannot know how seriously he or she will read what you have written. You cannot guarantee that it will even be read. You can diligently seek to "encode" your message but how it will be "decoded" is ultimately outside the realm of your control. It is amazing to me that while communication is essential and basic to life, it is also a very risky and challenging task.

Want to talk about it some more? You can contact me at rick@icarecoaching.com. I will do my best to communicate well with you and to assist you in finding ways to enhance your communication skills.

Dr. Rick Penner
www.icarecoaching.com
Copyright, June, 2008